6 months

Six months....that is how long it has been now since Mike has been in Heaven. So much has happened these last six months it is insane. It seems like time has flown by but at the same time it seems like everything just happened yesterday. I am finally emotionally stable....somewhat. I obvioulsy have my moments but I am not having break downs every other day. Mason is doing better too but he still asks about when he can see daddy. He knows daddy is in Heaven but he still forgets that Heaven is a place you never come back from. And then when he cries when I tell him daddy will never come back down I obviously cry too. I don't find myself crying nearly as often but I still have those nights that I cry myself to sleep. I think about all that Mason is going to miss out on and I lose it. I watched this past weeks episode of Greys Anatomy and I cant ever watch that show again. There was a car accident and this girl watched her grandma, mom, and dad die. With the dad the daughter is the one who decided to take him off life support and it brought back so many memories. And at the end of the show you watch one of the surgeons, i dont know names, and her husband died in surgery. Well she went into the OR afterwards and pulled the sheet off from over the husband and put her hand on his forehead. This is the same thing that I did to Mike when I was talking to him and he was on life support. I am even crying just writing this! Way too many memories that I wish never happened!

Its weird bc I wasnt in love with Mike anymore so I am kind of taken back by how sad this makes me. I know this is horrible, but I am just being honest, I had moments before all of this that I just wished Mike was not in the picture because I thought that things would be so much easier. I never wanted him to die I just wanted him out of the picture. And now I would do anything to have him back in Masons life. I would never wish this on my worst enemy. Mike and I had our differences but the one thing I can say about Mike is that he really did love his son. And Mason truly adored him! So for all you single moms out there having trouble with your childs father. BE THANKFUL!!! Whether you think your child has a good father or not at least he has one! A Childs love is so incredible and they see past everything and they love unconditionally. What I wouldnt do to have the one that Mason loves, almost as much as me :), back!

House Hunting Frustrations

So this whole house hunting extravaganza is nothing like i thought it would be!!! I thought it was going to be so much fun and easy. Boy was I wrong!!! You really need a lot of patience during this whole process and patience is definitely not my strongest virtue! I have seen 18 houses now and 3 of them I liked. First off was house number 7. It is in the perfect location in Allen and the elementary school there is really good. So I put an offer on that house but they wanted more than what I thought the house was worth. So we moved on and kept looking.

Then house number 15 is one I absolutely fell in love with! This guy bought the house a month before and flipped it so it has all new stainless steel appliances, hardwood floors, granite counter tops, and a huge backyard! This house was PERFECT! Well.....almost perfect! The location was not the greatest. It was in Allen but in a more run down part of Allen and I do not really see myself living in that neighborhood. I was still so on the fence about this house but then my dad pulled up the sex offender site. A man a few houses down molested a 6 year old 4 years ago.....OH H*LL NO! So there goes that option! If I could only pick up that house and move it to a different location I would pay the asking price for it!

Then House number 18 I liked as well. This too is in Allen, seeing a trend? But this house has a pool! YIPEE! I think having a house with a pool in it would be freaking amazing and I could have so many pool parties and have my nephews over all the time to swim with Mason. Only problem with this house is that it is a foreclosure and needs a lot of work. They converted the garage into this ridiculous extra room and then there is even an enclosed hot tub off the living room. The pool needs new tile and to be resurfaced also. In the end This house is just too much work for me which sucks because it has so much potential. If I was married I would have definitely gone for that house but it being just me there is no way I can get everything done!

So after talking with my dad more about house number 7 we decided that it might be worth a little more than what we originally thought after seeing what all is out there. So we went back to that house and put in our best and final offer...and they ACCEPTED!!!! WOOHOOOO and January 27th is the move in date!! Oh but wait.....We had the inspection done on Thursday. There were a lot of little things that I don't mind and I can fix on my own but the one thing I CANT and WONT fix......the new roof the house needs!!! There are a lot of defective shingles and hail damage so we are hoping the sellers can go through their insurance for the hail damage and get it replaced. We sent them the request to fix the roof on Saturday and still have not heard back. I completely fell in love with this house again after being there for the inspection and I pray to God that they replace that roof. Otherwise I wont be buying the house but its just perfect for Mason and I. So again, the waiting game continues. I HATE THIS! Did I mention that I am not a patient person....at all???????

Rough Week

So this week has been a really rough one for Mason. I usually get one phone call every other month or so about how bad Mason is being at school. They call me so that I can talk to him and hopefully get him acting better again. Well this week we set a record! THREE phone calls in 4 days!!!! Yup, that's right people...THREE....In ONE week!!! One day he even bit a teacher!!! He is almost FIVE and has never bitten before! I do not know what is going on inside of his tiny little head. Especially because the teacher that he bit is the one that he is head over heels in love with! So I had Santa take him off the nice list. Mason cried after watching the video that I had made for him but Santa told him that if he works really hard he can be put on the nice list so I hope this works! If you have kids this video is a great idea! http://www.portablenorthpole.tv/home And once Mason starts being nice at school again then Santa will be sending him a new video with him on the nice list! :)

The main reason I think that Mason has had such a rough week is because he really misses his daddy. He has been talking a lot about him this week and we have had a lot of this happening....

And it comes out of nowhere! We were on our way to meet up with my best friend to go bowling and he just starts crying. He said that if Daddy isn't coming down from Heaven then that means they cant ever do things together, like go swimming, watch a movie, or eat. I think he is finally realizing that he wont have that opportunity anymore to spend time with his daddy and it hurts to see him finally getting it. I think that once a headstone or plaque is made for Mike that it will really help Mason with his healing. Mason would hopefully stop asking me when Daddy will be coming down from Heaven. If we had a headstone or plaque somewhere then we could have somewhere to visit Daddy. And Mason can physically see that Daddy is no longer here anymore but there is somewhere that he can go and talk to him. With Christmas coming up it is just so hard. Its the first Big Holiday since Mike past and it is going to be a rough one for everyone. A teacher at Masons school told me to look up this Poem because she thinks it will help a lot...so below is the poem...and Beth....Show Mark this, I think it might help him a little to get through Christmas...

My First Christmas in Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear, But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring, For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart. But I am not so far away, We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear. And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above. I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold. was always most important the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, my Father said to do. I can't count the blessing or love has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and Wipe away that tear. Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year

Five Months

Sorry I have not posted in a while. I have just been a little overwhelmed with so much that has been going on. Today is exactly 5 months since Mike passed away. These past five months have been really difficult and yet so much has changed.

I have gotten a lot less emotional lately but I still have my days. In fact I was watching a Gifted Man the other day and boy am I happy that I was alone when I Watched it!!! In this episode a lady dies from rabies and she is in the ambulance and her husband was with her when she passed. Her head was facing to the left, toward her husband, and I had such a flashback. When they wheeled Mike away to the operating room to take him off life support and donate his organs his head was faced to the left, towards the room we were sitting in. I saw them wheel him away and I saw his face lying towards us. This is the last image I have of Mike. I completely lost it when I saw this on the show and I had one of those loud ugly cries. I literally couldn't stop crying for a good ten minutes no matter how hard I tried!

The only other times that I find myself crying is when Mason asks about Daddy. Once every two to three weeks he asks me when Daddy is going to come down from Heaven because he misses him. When I explain to him that Daddy will never be able to come back down he starts to cry.....which then leads me to cry too. I really don't wish this on my worst enemy. I know now that I am strong enough to handle all of this but I wish that I never had to find out if I was strong enough or not. I know everything happens for a reason and that God won't hand me more than I can handle but I mean seriously....enough already!

So moving on to happier things. I have officially begun my house hunting!!! I have seen 9 homes so far and I put an offer on one. I don't think it is going to work though because they are wanting more than what I think the house is worth for several reasons. So we will see what happens there. I have 3 more houses to see on Wednesday and hopefully I see something that I like. I am so not a patient person so this is so hard for me to wait to find the perfect house! And to be honest, if it weren't for Mason I would not be looking for a house right now. But since I am stuck in Texas for at least a few more years I want to give Mason some more stability and a home to call his own. And I can't wait for him to have his own backyard to play in!! He is going to have the coolest playground set ever for him to play with and its going to be a nice break for me too. Now I will be able to just open the door and let him play instead of having to drive him to a park and sit there bored out of my mind!! Anyways, I will keep y'all updated on my house hunting adventures!!

Piece of Mind

So first off I am so happy! I posted the other day about suggestions for how to get the answers to the questions I have. Well I looked into this Medium here and I emailed her for her prices....she wrote back saying she charges $275 for an hour session. I was so disappointed bc while I would like some answers I am not willing to spend that kind of money for them. At least not yet. So last night I was having a bit of a melt down. I was extremely emotional and just couldn't stop crying. I feel so bipolar lately and I hate it! Anyways, So I was laying in bed praying. I pray every night before going to sleep but this time I prayed for answers. I prayed for some kind of sign that Mike is still with Mason and watching over him. I know this sounds horrible but I wasn't expecting any signs from praying. I mean heck, I have been praying for a good man to come in my life for years and am still waiting....haha. So that was that and I fell asleep and slept the whole night for the first time in MONTHS! Its like I had this weight lifted off my shoulders and could finally rest.

In the morning I forget about everything and hurry Mason to get dressed so we can go to work/school. And then on the way to Masons school I got my answer. Out of nowhere I hear these words out of Masons mouth....."Mommy, I saw daddy last night in my dream." Mason and I have never talked about dreams before and he has no idea what I have been going through because I don't talk about these things with a four year old and I can always manage to hold off on my meltdowns until Mason is asleep. I immediately started crying but I had to be careful because I didn't want Mason to know. I asked him what they talked about and he said that he told daddy that he really misses him and wishes he could come back down. But in true Mason fashion, he changed the subject in that same breath. I have learned with him that if I interrogate him he is more likely to make up something just so he has something to say. So I will patiently wait for him to bring it up again. But now I know that Mike is still with Mason and it absolutely warms my heart.

Now I can focus my attention on teaching Mason how to hold Lily without choking her :)

Suggestions Please

So I posted the other week about if I should read Heaven is For Real or not. Well, I read it. While overall I think it was a good book, it was a bit of a let down for me. Maybe I am just jaded but it is was hard for me to believe everything that was in the book. And I really do not need the book to tell me that Heaven is for real, I already know that.

What I want to know is if Mike could hear me at the Hospital. I had a whole lot to say to him and I want to know if he heard what I had to say. He was not brain dead but he was not responsive and had such little brain activity he couldn't do anything, not even open his eyes. So when I was asking him to protect Mason from up above did he hear me? Is he doing it right now? Was he having an out of body experience? Could he see all of us in the private family room at the hospital crying? I want answers.....and I don't know if I will ever get them. So here comes my question.....does anyone know of a book that can help answer these questions? I am kind of desperate for answers...

On a side note, has anyone seen the new show Long Island Medium? If not, it is about this lady in Long Island, NY who is a medium and can talk to loved ones who have passed and the things she says is absolutely amazing if its for real. It makes me want to see if there is a reputable Medium here who can "talk" to Mike. I have never really believed in these kinds of things but like I said....I am desperate for answers.

Just Breathe

So much has been going on the past few weeks and I have been meaning to update this blog but I haven't really had much of a chance! It's nice to have a second to just breathe and relax and those times are hard to come across now.

In the past four weekends I have gone to 3 Festivals, 2 Bridal showers, 1 baby shower, and a kids birthday party. I was suppose to go to a second baby shower but I had to cancel because I was so exhausted and run down I couldn't get out of bed! And on top of that Mason has a soccer game every Saturday that I refuse to miss! I have also had my parents over for dinner one night, Mikes parents over for dinner another night, and I have a friend coming over for dinner tonight. I love hosting people here but it definitely takes some work! What happened to those weekends of being so bored and desperate to find something to do? I miss those weekends! With how busy I am you would think that I have hundreds of friends! But alas, this single mama does not.

I have also decided to add some things to my busy life. First would be Lily, our new kitten! She is super cute but oh so scared! She hides for most of the day and night! Mason just adores her and all he wants to do is hold her. But when little one sees this big kid running towards her with excitement she freaks and runs under my dresser and climbs up into the drawers! haha. Mason really wanted to call her Twinkle Toes but I knew that would be a decision he regretted when he got older so her name is officially Lily Florence!

And for the most recent update to my life.......I am buying a HOUSE!!!! I can not be more excited about this! My lease is not up until February so I have not quite started the search yet but I have already given my Realtor my needs/wish list and gotten approved for the loan so I am ready to go! And my Realtor is a good family friend and has worked with my parents and my brother so I know she will help me out! I am also going to have her show me every step she takes so I can get some experience under my belt for when I get my Real Estate License!

I can't believe how much my life has changed in the past few months. There have been some REALLY bad times and some REALLY good times! It has been a roller coaster of emotions to say the least. I am still trying to adjust to not having Mason's father here anymore and I have gotten a lot better but some days I just completely lose it. I just never know what will set me off. But at the end of the day I am alive and healthy, Mason is alive and healthy, my family is alive and healthy, and I have the most amazing people surrounding me and my son. No matter what I have gone through I am really a lucky lady to have what I do! I wish everyone had the friends and family that I do, without them I would be so lost.