Rough Few Days

So the past few weeks things have been getting better with Mason and I. There have been a lot less break downs and Mason has been getting Green paper at school every day. But the last few days have been really emotional. It seems to come and go in waves. Wednesday night Mason was laying in bed talking to Mike. He was crying saying "Daddy, please come back down from Heaven, I dont want you up there" :( It was absolutely heartbreaking. There is not a thing that I can do to stop those tears. I cant tell him that everything is going to be just fine because truth be told I dont know if it ever will. He lost his father. Someone who meant so much to him and someone he loved so much. I am a Huge Daddy's girl and Mason wont ever get the chance to be a daddy's boy. Little boys need their fathers. Im definitely not as fun as Mike was with Mason. I have a lot more rules and am a lot stricter than Mike was. But Mike didnt have to be the strict one. He saw Mason every other weekend so he was able to be the Fun Dad and Mason misses that so much.

Then on Saturday I got another sympathy card in the mail. Dont get me wrong I appreciate these cards and it means a lot to know that people are out there praying for us. But I had not gotten one in a few weeks. So seeing that in the mail brought all those emotions back up. Nothing is suppose to happen in my life or my sons life that warrants getting a sympathy card. This was not suppose to happen to us. More importantly this was not suppose to happen to my little boy. He has done nothing wrong, nothing to deserve the loss of his father.

One day when Mason has his own kids he is going to play catch with his son and it is suppose to bring back the memories of him playing catch with his dad. Now those memories will never be. I cant stand that. The thought of him in elementary school and kids asking him what his dad does and him having to say that his dad is in heaven is such a horrible thought.

I never in a million years thought something like this could happen to us. All of this has really made me take a good look at my life and how I am living it. Dont ever take life for Granted. Live out your dreams and Live every day like it is your last because tomorrow is not guaranteed.

~ Please Help ~

Alzheimer's is something that really hits home with me. It runs in the women on my Dad's side of the family. My Dad's grandmother, great grandmother, and great aunt all passed away because of this. His mother died too young of breast cancer to know if she would have gotten it. Unfortunately, Alzheimer's has decided to show its ugly face again.

The whole thing is heartbreaking and something needs to be done to help end this. Currently, more than 5 million Americans have Alzheimer's and that number is expected to grow to as many as 16 million by 2050. Our future is at risk unless we can find a way to change the course of this disease.

On October 8th, 2011 I will be walking to end Alzheimer's. I need your support to do my part! Please make a donation to help the Alzheimer's Association advance research into prevention, treatments and a cure for Alzheimer’s. For the millions already affected by the disease, the Association offers care, education, support and resources in communities nationwide. You can donate by clicking the link below. Thank you everyone for your support!

http://walktoendalz.kintera.org/grapevine/kristenmf07

Quick Update

So much has happened these past two weeks that I really dont know where to start. Mason and I have definitely been busy little bees. He started therapy last week and has had two sessions now. I really dont know if he needs to continue with it because he is doing so much better now. I dont think it was from the therapy though because this past wednesday was the first one on one sessions he had and he was doing better even before that. He went two weeks of being SO bad like I posted before and now he is getting all greens at school! I have been signing him up for all the Field Trips so he goes on about 2-3 a week and I think that is definitely helping him to burn off some of his energy. I also am not a huge fan of Masons counselor. Within the first 20 minutes of the first session she told me that 6 months before Mason starts Kindergarten I need to get him in to see a Neurologist to get his ADHD diagnoses and get him on meds. The first session was just me and the counselor talking about what happened while Mason was in the corner playing with toys so she really didnt even interact with him. Now I have no doubt that Mason has ADHD, I have always thought this and his dad had ADHD too. But telling me after 20 minutes that I need to get my 4 year old on meds so he can calm down just doesnt really sit well with me. I talked with his daycare to see if his hyperactivity is affecting him with his school work there and they said no, he is just like every other little 4 year old boy there. The owner has ADD and so does his son and he told me to definitely wait on putting Mason on meds bc he is way too young. I completely agree with this. Now if they had told me that his hyperactivity is affecting him negatively at school then yes I would absolutely consider putting him on meds. But if its not affecting him right now then I see no reason to dope him up!
I also started school this week! One of my classes is Research Writing and I got my topic approved! My topic is.....The Pros and Cons of Meds for Kids with ADHD! So if Mason does indeed need meds down the road I can make an educated decision. I really cant tell you how excited that it makes me to know that in a few short weeks I will be a Pro on this topic! I already have had several people say they want to read my paper so when I am done with it I will post it here!

Because Life isnt Crazy Enough!

So my life right now obviously is not crazy enough right? I feel like I am being pulled in so many different directions right now! And yet I keep piling things on! I have been completely slacking with studying for my state licensing exam so that I can get my real estate license but it is time that I really start cracking down on that. And starting August 15th I am going back to school full time so it is going to be even harder to study for that exam! I also have enrolled Mason in soccer and I find out in two weeks what days his practice will be on. I am really hoping it is not on Tuesdays or Thursdays because there is a karate place right next to my apartment that I want to put him in and the classes are those days. I don't know if I have bitten off more than I can chew but it helps a lot if I stay busy. Less time to think about things!

On a side note, Mason has been doing really bad lately. At Daycare you get a color each day, green, yellow, or red. And Mason is a green color kind of kid! Of course he has his days being that he is a 4 year old hyper boy! But green is the norm around here! For the past two weeks though he has only been getting red! He has been screaming, yelling, pushing, hitting, kicking, throwing, you name it! This is so not like my little boy! I know this is normal behaviour for a kid his age going through what he is going through but this is so tough on me! I need to discipline him and make sure he knows that this is not OK but at the same time it is not his fault. He has so many feelings and emotions going on and he does not know how to channel them so he acts out. I feel so helpless and as a mother that is the worst feeling ever! So starting Monday Mason has his first "play therapy" session. This counselor specializes in preschoolers and I REALLY hope this helps! I tried so hard to hold back tears while I was making this appointment BC it hurts so bad knowing that my little boy is hurting and I cant "fix" it for him! I just wish everything was back to normal!

Assumptions

I'm hiding at my desk right now trying to stop the tears from flowing. Every time I think about Mikes accident I get so angry that I start to cry. Writing about the days in the hospital helped me to not harbor on those thoughts as much so I am hoping that writing this out will help with my anger. Before I start talking about the accident I want to make it clear that we do not know for sure what happened. This is what I believe happened from putting the pieces together....

According to the witness statement on the police report Mike was speeding. Which is not unusual for Mike, he was a very fast aggressive drive. The car in front of Mike had a trailer attached to it and Mike hit the trailer, lost control and hit the median 3 times while spinning and ended up upside down. The police report stated that the accident happened at 6:36 am. Mike got a text from his roommate at 6:35 am telling him to go straight to the job site because he had his hard hat. So what I believe happened was that he was reading this text when he hit the car in front of him. You don't just hit a car in front of you on the highway unless your eyes are not on the road. I saw photos of the car and the driver side looked fine. You can see that the car definitely rolled over on the passenger side but the car itself is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. There was some damage on the passenger side but the car was not smashed in like I expected it would be. Another witness that came to help Mike stated that Mike was on the passenger side of the car. Now if someone was wearing their seat belt they would not have ended up on the passenger side of the car. And the driver side of the car was FINE! So in this situation I believe that he was not wearing his seat belt. He did not break any bones, only had one small cut on the bottom of his chin. He hit his head just hard enough to knock him out which is what ultimately caused his death.

So from the pieces of information here and there I think Mike was reading a text and not wearing his seat belt. In my eyes, my son lost his father to that! I am so livid with the whole situation and so angry with Mike! This could have easily been prevented! I will admit that I am guilty of texting while driving but NEVER again! No text is worth someones life! And everyone knows that seat belts save lives so WHY in the world would you not wear one!!!!! I know that there is nothing that can be done to change what happened but I still have so much anger. My 4 year old son lost his father, someone who he loved with all his heart, over something so stupid as this. It absolutely breaks my heart! Now could I be 100% wrong on what happened? ABSOLUTELY! I really don't think from the facts that I have that I am wrong, but I have been wrong plenty of times before!

5 days of Hell

I keep going over those five days that Mike was in the hospital over and over and over in my head. Every night that I am trying to sleep I cant because my mind keeps going back to those days. So I am hoping that if I write it all out then I cant stop thinking about it constantly. So here it goes...

Thursday July 7, 2011
Around 10am I get a call from Beth, Mikes mom. The phone keeps breaking up and the reception is extremely bad. All I can make out is....Mike....Car Accident....Critical Condition....Parkland. I beg Beth to call me back because I cant understand what she is saying and I hang the phone up. I immediately start freaking out and call my parents to see what I do. Do I go to the hospital or Do I not? We obviously arent together anymore but this is my sons father!! So about 15 minutes later I get a call back from Wendy, Mikes sister, giving me more details. I go back to my desk and immediately call my mom to come and take me to the hospital because I couldnt drive. We got to the hospital a little after that and we meet up with Mikes family. I wasnt sure how they would take us being there but they seemed happy we came. Which was such a relief because the last thing I wanted was to upset them. Lucky for me they still consider us family and I am so thankful for that! A few hours go by and several doctors have talked to us. We were informed that Mike was unconscious and either vomited in his lungs or severly bruised them at the time of the accident, which then caused everything to fail. Mike died on the scene and they did not know how long he went without oxygen before being revived. He would have to be in the hospital for at least several weeks to get better. So we all expected that he would be fine. A child specialist came in and talked to me about bringing Mason in to see daddy in a few weeks when he was better. So a little later I was able to go back and see Mike. Unfortunately right when we got back there he started seizing. I started bawling and had to walk out. That was definitely not something that I was prepared to see. We left shortly after that because I just didnt want to see him like that anymore. I wanted to come back and see him when he was just fine!! So a few hours later I get a text from Wendy saying that they are going to have to drill a hole in Mikes head to releave the pressure from his brain. And after they did that I got another text from Wendy saying that Mike has No brain activity and there is no hope. Everything changed so quick and I lost it! I told Mason about the accident and how daddy hurt his heart, lungs, and brain and was in the hospital. He put on a fake cry because he saw that I was crying and thought that was what he was suppose to do. He obviously didnt quite get it. And that was that.

Friday July 8, 2011
I took off work because so much was going on in my head there was no way that I could go to work. I asked my friend to go to the movies with me and help take my mind off of everything. I wanted to go back up to the hospital but I figured his parents might want some time alone with Mike. So literally the second that we sat down at the theater I get a text from Wendy saying to come back up there because they are about to make the decision on letting Mike go. So as fast as we could get there I was there. I was informed that MAYBE in 6 months to 1 year Mike might be able to open his eyes but that is it and he will have to live in a nursing home the rest of his life. Now if you knew Mike you would know that he is a crazy wild happy go lucky guy and he would never want to live that way. So we are all in agreement to let Mike go. One of the hardest things was that Mike looked fine! He had not a single broken brone! And physically he looked fine! I kept telling him to WAKE UP! How can so much be wrong interanlly and externally everything is perfect? Then the donation people came in and asked if we think Mike would want to donate his organs. Crazy enough Mike just had this conversation with his best friend, Primo, a few days before and Mike definitely wanted to donate his organs. They said the process would take about 24 hours to set up so on saturday is when everything would take place. We told the doctors that if Mike wants to go before then to let him go. Then the neurologist came in and told us that he did see a tiny little bit of improvement. He still believed the outcome was going to be the same but wanted to wait until 72 hours from the accident to be 100% confident in the decision that was made. After 72 hours if the brain has not started to recover then there was no hope. Mike deserved that chance to fight. Before leaving, the child specialist came back in to talk to me under different circumstances. This time instead of talking about bringing Mason to see daddy in a few weeks I had to talk to her about explaining to Mason that his daddy was going to die. That was one of the hardest talks but Ashley was absolutely amazing and gave me some good books to read to Mason.

Saturday July 9, 2011
At 3:30am I get a call from Beth saying that the Hospital called and told them to come up bc Mikes body is shutting down. I just laid on my couch and cried, the time was finally here. Around 10am I asked Beth if Mike did indeed pass and she informed me that they put him on a bigger ventilator and is stable again. I had planned on not going to the hospital today and was just trying to pretend like none of this was happening. But for some reason it just felt SO wrong to not be there! So I did stop by for a few hours. I saw Mike every day he was in the hospital and was able to talk to him and tell him everything that I needed to say. Me and Mike definitely had our arguments and I had a lot of things that I needed to say to him, things that I would not have said to him if he could hear me. In some sick twisted way it really helped me to be able to say to him what I needed before he left, even though he didnt hear any of it. I wanted him to know that Mason will always think of him as his hero and that he sure as heck better be watching over Mason from up above and help me protect him.

Sunday July 10, 2011
My mom came with me to the hospital around 8am because the doctors would all be coming in by 10am to talk to us as it would have been the 72 hour mark. Mason drew a picture for his daddy to have before he passed. It was daddy riding a shark haha. Anyways as expected the doctors came in and told us what we expected. Truth is, Mike really died at the scene of the accident. Now all that was left was his body. So we have to wait for some tests to come in that will let us know if he can still donate. Because his body had been in such distress there was a chance that he would not be able to donate anymore. This was something Mike said he wanted just a few days prior so I was devistated thinking he may not be able to. The tests finally came back around 11am and he was cleared to donate!!! So Mark and Beth signed the paperwork and the 24 hour wait began.

Monday July 11, 2011
I went to the hospital alone today because I have found out that I like to be left alone when I am going through something like this. Mikes family was there ofcourse but I didnt want my family there with me. A priest came and prayed over Mike before they brought him down to the operating room. I didnt want to see Mike today because knowing he would be gone in an hour was just too much. In order to remain eligble to donate your organs you have to die within 60 minutes on your own after taking the machines off or they bring you back up to sit with your family until you pass. Mike passed in 8 minutes. He was so ready. They told us they gave him pain meds and he showed no sign of pain and passed peacefully. Finally. It was over. Mike was at peace in heaven and finally free of all demons that he has struggled with. It really was such a relief to know he no longer had to fight. For the rest of the day I didnt cry. Which was strange because I had been crying since I found out about the accident. But for the rest of that day I finally felt peace. I found out a few days later that a 42 year old and a 62 year old in Dallas got Mikes kidneys :) Hopefully one day Mason can meet who his daddy saved!

By the way, every single person at the Surgery ICU at Parkland was simply amazing! They made such a horrible time in our lives better. They did everything they could to help Mike, were completely up front with us, and answered any and every question we had.

A little bit of normalcy

This weekend was my first weekend without Mason since Mikes accident. While it was nice to have a little break I was a total wreck on Friday. Mason has been my little security blanket and I have held on so tight to him since the accident. He was with Nana and Pop on Friday, Mikes parents, so I knew that he was completely safe and in good hands but that wasnt the point. Not being with him definitely brought the tears out. Luckily I was able to meet a good girlfriend of mine for dinner and a movie on Friday. We saw Friends with Benefits and if you have not seen that movie you must go see it!! It is hands down my favorite movie! I have NEVER laughed so much in my life!!! And there were parts that I cried too. The dad in the movie has alzheimers and my Aunt got diagnosed last year with this so it really struck home. Most of the women on my dads side of the family have been diagnosed with this and I am so scared of having it when I am older. I think that would be one of the toughest ways to go. Anyways good movie...so go see it! The next night I went out with Wendy to pretend like all was right in the world. I found myself talking a lot about Mike though. Being surrounded by people who loved him just brought all kinds of emotions up. But we did have a good time and I am so happy I was able to get out finally!On Saturday Mason stayed at my Brother and Sister-in-laws house, Shaun and Andrea. They have two little boys, 5 and 2. Mason is absolutely in love with them and was SO excited to be able to stay the night there! So early Sunday Morning I picked him up and was able to get this cute photo...even though Baby Connor is the only one looking at the camera haha

So overall it was a really good weekend. There were definitely some highs and lows but its time to try and find a new "normal" I guess