5 days of Hell

I keep going over those five days that Mike was in the hospital over and over and over in my head. Every night that I am trying to sleep I cant because my mind keeps going back to those days. So I am hoping that if I write it all out then I cant stop thinking about it constantly. So here it goes...

Thursday July 7, 2011
Around 10am I get a call from Beth, Mikes mom. The phone keeps breaking up and the reception is extremely bad. All I can make out is....Mike....Car Accident....Critical Condition....Parkland. I beg Beth to call me back because I cant understand what she is saying and I hang the phone up. I immediately start freaking out and call my parents to see what I do. Do I go to the hospital or Do I not? We obviously arent together anymore but this is my sons father!! So about 15 minutes later I get a call back from Wendy, Mikes sister, giving me more details. I go back to my desk and immediately call my mom to come and take me to the hospital because I couldnt drive. We got to the hospital a little after that and we meet up with Mikes family. I wasnt sure how they would take us being there but they seemed happy we came. Which was such a relief because the last thing I wanted was to upset them. Lucky for me they still consider us family and I am so thankful for that! A few hours go by and several doctors have talked to us. We were informed that Mike was unconscious and either vomited in his lungs or severly bruised them at the time of the accident, which then caused everything to fail. Mike died on the scene and they did not know how long he went without oxygen before being revived. He would have to be in the hospital for at least several weeks to get better. So we all expected that he would be fine. A child specialist came in and talked to me about bringing Mason in to see daddy in a few weeks when he was better. So a little later I was able to go back and see Mike. Unfortunately right when we got back there he started seizing. I started bawling and had to walk out. That was definitely not something that I was prepared to see. We left shortly after that because I just didnt want to see him like that anymore. I wanted to come back and see him when he was just fine!! So a few hours later I get a text from Wendy saying that they are going to have to drill a hole in Mikes head to releave the pressure from his brain. And after they did that I got another text from Wendy saying that Mike has No brain activity and there is no hope. Everything changed so quick and I lost it! I told Mason about the accident and how daddy hurt his heart, lungs, and brain and was in the hospital. He put on a fake cry because he saw that I was crying and thought that was what he was suppose to do. He obviously didnt quite get it. And that was that.

Friday July 8, 2011
I took off work because so much was going on in my head there was no way that I could go to work. I asked my friend to go to the movies with me and help take my mind off of everything. I wanted to go back up to the hospital but I figured his parents might want some time alone with Mike. So literally the second that we sat down at the theater I get a text from Wendy saying to come back up there because they are about to make the decision on letting Mike go. So as fast as we could get there I was there. I was informed that MAYBE in 6 months to 1 year Mike might be able to open his eyes but that is it and he will have to live in a nursing home the rest of his life. Now if you knew Mike you would know that he is a crazy wild happy go lucky guy and he would never want to live that way. So we are all in agreement to let Mike go. One of the hardest things was that Mike looked fine! He had not a single broken brone! And physically he looked fine! I kept telling him to WAKE UP! How can so much be wrong interanlly and externally everything is perfect? Then the donation people came in and asked if we think Mike would want to donate his organs. Crazy enough Mike just had this conversation with his best friend, Primo, a few days before and Mike definitely wanted to donate his organs. They said the process would take about 24 hours to set up so on saturday is when everything would take place. We told the doctors that if Mike wants to go before then to let him go. Then the neurologist came in and told us that he did see a tiny little bit of improvement. He still believed the outcome was going to be the same but wanted to wait until 72 hours from the accident to be 100% confident in the decision that was made. After 72 hours if the brain has not started to recover then there was no hope. Mike deserved that chance to fight. Before leaving, the child specialist came back in to talk to me under different circumstances. This time instead of talking about bringing Mason to see daddy in a few weeks I had to talk to her about explaining to Mason that his daddy was going to die. That was one of the hardest talks but Ashley was absolutely amazing and gave me some good books to read to Mason.

Saturday July 9, 2011
At 3:30am I get a call from Beth saying that the Hospital called and told them to come up bc Mikes body is shutting down. I just laid on my couch and cried, the time was finally here. Around 10am I asked Beth if Mike did indeed pass and she informed me that they put him on a bigger ventilator and is stable again. I had planned on not going to the hospital today and was just trying to pretend like none of this was happening. But for some reason it just felt SO wrong to not be there! So I did stop by for a few hours. I saw Mike every day he was in the hospital and was able to talk to him and tell him everything that I needed to say. Me and Mike definitely had our arguments and I had a lot of things that I needed to say to him, things that I would not have said to him if he could hear me. In some sick twisted way it really helped me to be able to say to him what I needed before he left, even though he didnt hear any of it. I wanted him to know that Mason will always think of him as his hero and that he sure as heck better be watching over Mason from up above and help me protect him.

Sunday July 10, 2011
My mom came with me to the hospital around 8am because the doctors would all be coming in by 10am to talk to us as it would have been the 72 hour mark. Mason drew a picture for his daddy to have before he passed. It was daddy riding a shark haha. Anyways as expected the doctors came in and told us what we expected. Truth is, Mike really died at the scene of the accident. Now all that was left was his body. So we have to wait for some tests to come in that will let us know if he can still donate. Because his body had been in such distress there was a chance that he would not be able to donate anymore. This was something Mike said he wanted just a few days prior so I was devistated thinking he may not be able to. The tests finally came back around 11am and he was cleared to donate!!! So Mark and Beth signed the paperwork and the 24 hour wait began.

Monday July 11, 2011
I went to the hospital alone today because I have found out that I like to be left alone when I am going through something like this. Mikes family was there ofcourse but I didnt want my family there with me. A priest came and prayed over Mike before they brought him down to the operating room. I didnt want to see Mike today because knowing he would be gone in an hour was just too much. In order to remain eligble to donate your organs you have to die within 60 minutes on your own after taking the machines off or they bring you back up to sit with your family until you pass. Mike passed in 8 minutes. He was so ready. They told us they gave him pain meds and he showed no sign of pain and passed peacefully. Finally. It was over. Mike was at peace in heaven and finally free of all demons that he has struggled with. It really was such a relief to know he no longer had to fight. For the rest of the day I didnt cry. Which was strange because I had been crying since I found out about the accident. But for the rest of that day I finally felt peace. I found out a few days later that a 42 year old and a 62 year old in Dallas got Mikes kidneys :) Hopefully one day Mason can meet who his daddy saved!

By the way, every single person at the Surgery ICU at Parkland was simply amazing! They made such a horrible time in our lives better. They did everything they could to help Mike, were completely up front with us, and answered any and every question we had.

A little bit of normalcy

This weekend was my first weekend without Mason since Mikes accident. While it was nice to have a little break I was a total wreck on Friday. Mason has been my little security blanket and I have held on so tight to him since the accident. He was with Nana and Pop on Friday, Mikes parents, so I knew that he was completely safe and in good hands but that wasnt the point. Not being with him definitely brought the tears out. Luckily I was able to meet a good girlfriend of mine for dinner and a movie on Friday. We saw Friends with Benefits and if you have not seen that movie you must go see it!! It is hands down my favorite movie! I have NEVER laughed so much in my life!!! And there were parts that I cried too. The dad in the movie has alzheimers and my Aunt got diagnosed last year with this so it really struck home. Most of the women on my dads side of the family have been diagnosed with this and I am so scared of having it when I am older. I think that would be one of the toughest ways to go. Anyways good movie...so go see it! The next night I went out with Wendy to pretend like all was right in the world. I found myself talking a lot about Mike though. Being surrounded by people who loved him just brought all kinds of emotions up. But we did have a good time and I am so happy I was able to get out finally!On Saturday Mason stayed at my Brother and Sister-in-laws house, Shaun and Andrea. They have two little boys, 5 and 2. Mason is absolutely in love with them and was SO excited to be able to stay the night there! So early Sunday Morning I picked him up and was able to get this cute photo...even though Baby Connor is the only one looking at the camera haha

So overall it was a really good weekend. There were definitely some highs and lows but its time to try and find a new "normal" I guess

Party of 4

Last night Mason and I went on a dinner date with Wendy and Uncle Primo. Wendy is Mikes sister and Uncle Primo was Mikes best friend and roommate. Obviously Auntie Wendy loves Mason and wants to spend as much time as possible with him. And anytime Mike had Mason for a weekend Uncle Primo was always there and they both absolutely adore eachother!! So we met in Downtown Plano for some grub! As usual we are early to get there so we decided to take some photos on my new camera! And as usual Mason is being a total Ham!Once Wendy and Primo arrived the real fun began! Primo is like a big kid himself so him and Mason can definitely get into some trouble together!
And Auntie Wendy is definitely a Florence! Mason kept playing with his Napkin putting it around his head and before you know it Wendy was doing it too without even realizing it!
These two people mean a lot to Mason! And I am really happy that Mason and I both have them in our lives!

Work Work Work

So Monday was my first day back to work since Mikes car accident. I was absolutely dreading coming back bc being gone for 6 1/2 days means I have a lot of work to catch up on! I mean A LOT! I am an adjustor so I handle on the job injury claims for employees of Lowes. I have all these contacts to make and follow ups to do on medical treatment and it piles up really fast! Well......my coworkes are Rockstars! They did all of my work for me while I was gone so when I came back it was like I had not missed a single day! You have NO idea how much I needed that!!!

I have a few good friends in my office and I told them to let people know that when I came back I was not going to want to talk about what happened. And unless I bring it up in conversation no one has said a word! It has been great! I have had actual conversations that do not revolve around sadness and it is exactly what the doctor ordered!!! I am starting to feel normal again. I do still have my moments, today is definitely a bit of a rollercoaster with my emotions but overall it has been nice being back to a routine!

This is all just a bad dream......right?

So it has been over a year since I last posted on this Blog and obviously a lot has changed and needs to be updated. This past week and half has been one of the hardest ever and I am hoping that writing about it will help me cope.

So for those who dont know, My Ex Husband, Mike, who is Mason's daddy was in a car accident on 7/7/11 on his way to work that morning. He died on the scene and they were able to revive him. He spent the next few days in the hospital and it was full of ups and downs, and a glimmer of hope, and then no hope at all. At the time of the accident he went too long without oxygen and his brain would never be able to recover from that. On the afternoon of 7/11/11 Mike went to Heaven. I will go into more detail about those days in another post, not quite ready to re-live those days. He actually had a talk with his roommate just a few days before the accident saying that he wanted to donate his organs. So they brought Mike down to the operating room and took him off the machines. You have to pass in 60 minutes on your own in order to remain elligble to donate or they bring you back up with your family so they can sit with you until you pass. Mike passed in 8 minutes. It was a relief to know that he passed so quickly and the Doctors reassured us that he was in no pain at all. A 42 year old and a 62 year old in the Dallas area received his kidneys! We hope to one day meet them so Mason can see who his daddy saved!

This has been a million times harder on me than I ever expected. We divorced 3 years ago and while we were not in love with eachother anymore, and we definitely had our arguments, he was the father of my son! And I did love him at one point in my life and even married the guy! It breaks my heart into pieces knowing that Mason will never see his daddy again. My earliest memory is from when I was 5.....Mason is only 4. I am so scared that when he gets older he wont remember even one memory with his daddy. And having to listen to Mason cry asking why his daddy had to die....its the hardest thing to listen to! Mason gets what is going on but he does not fully comprehend what Forever is, which is kind of a good thing right now. Its going to be a long road ahead of us thats for sure!

Over the past week I have grown closer to Mikes family than I ever have before. I could not imagine having to bury your own son! Or having to bury a brother that you grew up so close with! The World is just not fair sometimes!!! I know Mason will be ok though because he still has so much family that loves and adores him and so many friends of Mikes that want to continue to stay in Masons life. It was actually suppose to be Mikes weekend with Mason this weekend and thats when things started to really sink in. Mike will never get to spend another weekend with his son and vice versa. The past two days I have just started bawling out of nowhere...I mean literally, Nowhere! I have so many different emotions going on right now, I am a total wreck! The only thing getting me through this right now is knowing that we have so much love and support from family and friends. We are truly blessed in that area.

So anyways, I will be updating regularly on here about anything and everything, and hopefully it will help me get some peace with what is going on....