Tuesday, March 13, 2012

8 Months

Eight months…that is how long it has now been since Mike died. I can’t believe it has already been that long. In some ways it feels longer and in some ways it feels like it just happened. For the most part my emotions are under control now but randomly something will come up and I will just lose it. When I was putting together Mason’s room I ran across some old photos in a binder that were of Mike and I before Mason was ever born. I felt bad for my dad because he called me seconds after I saw those pictures and I couldn’t even talk I was so upset. I was a stuttering mumbling mess. That little 21 year old girl in that photo had NO idea what was in store for her!

Mason has been doing a whole lot better too lately. He has started getting all greens at school and even ditched his mean friends and is now friends with the “good” kids. I have been told that he will go back into his bad slump again though because that is just part of the process. Since his daddy died he went from being horrible, to really good, to horrible, and now really good again. I guess it is just part of him coping. Lately he has started to talk a whole lot more about Mike though and it definitely catches some people off guard. Especially when I have friends over they don’t know how to respond when Mason brings up Mike. I think it is a good thing to talk about him though and be very open.

Last week he was having a rough day with being sick with the flu and he was supposed to be taking a nap so I went to check in on him. On one wall in his room is a collage of his daddy and then the star certificate for the star I had named after Mike is framed on that wall too. Well, when I walked in during his nap time he was sitting on his bed staring at a photo with tears in his eyes. Mason had gotten a photo down that was a Christmas card we sent out for Masons first Christmas. Mike and I were still together then and one photo was of us holding him and the other was of Mason screaming his head off in Santa’s lap. Mason looked up at me and just cried. He said that he wished he was still little so that he could still see his daddy. BROKE…MY…HEART! I absolutely hate that there is nothing I can do to fix what happened. I am trying to keep his schedule somewhat busy to help take his mind off of things and im hoping it works. He is in play therapy once a week and he has his first tee ball practice tonight so hopefully all goes well! I know soccer was fun for him but hoping tee ball will be even better!!

P.S. - I promise I will upload before and after photos of my house at some point!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Its that time again

Mason is back to acting up again, but this time it is worse than ever. We all anticipated there to be a set back after the first round of Holidays without Mike but none of us anticipated it to be this bad. Little guy has SO MUCH anger! I think everything is finally sinking in with him. He is starting to truly understand that he will never see his dad again. He has gotten so bad at school that I am at a loss on what to do. It is no longer him just being verbally mean but he has gotten physically mean too. Physical with both his friends AND teachers. He gets several red and yellow cards a DAY! This kid is out of control!!!So I hate to admit when I cant help my own child but I need help! So I finally decided to put Mason back in play therapy. This time though, I am going with someone else! I did not click at all with the last lady and I dont think she did any good with Mason. So I met with someone who I actually went to high school with and have not seen since. She is now a play therapist and I have to admit that I am so excited about this! She has about 20 years less experience than the previous therapist Mason saw....yet she has a thousand times more knowledge. I met with her for about 45 minutes to tell her the story with Mason and she gave me so many good ideas on how to handle different situations. It's funny because I thought I was doing so many things right yet turns out not so much. Its not like I am doing anything wrong, I just could be handling things better. I easily forget that Mason is only four and can't process things the way an adult would. Anyways, she teaches parenting classes too so I will be taking some of those to help learn the techniques of play therapy to do at home. I am excited for Mason to start his sessions too and I really hope they help him. I hate to see all this anger built up inside such a typically happy child. Keeping my fingers crossed that this is exactly what Mason needs!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

6 months

Six months....that is how long it has been now since Mike has been in Heaven. So much has happened these last six months it is insane. It seems like time has flown by but at the same time it seems like everything just happened yesterday. I am finally emotionally stable....somewhat. I obvioulsy have my moments but I am not having break downs every other day. Mason is doing better too but he still asks about when he can see daddy. He knows daddy is in Heaven but he still forgets that Heaven is a place you never come back from. And then when he cries when I tell him daddy will never come back down I obviously cry too. I don't find myself crying nearly as often but I still have those nights that I cry myself to sleep. I think about all that Mason is going to miss out on and I lose it. I watched this past weeks episode of Greys Anatomy and I cant ever watch that show again. There was a car accident and this girl watched her grandma, mom, and dad die. With the dad the daughter is the one who decided to take him off life support and it brought back so many memories. And at the end of the show you watch one of the surgeons, i dont know names, and her husband died in surgery. Well she went into the OR afterwards and pulled the sheet off from over the husband and put her hand on his forehead. This is the same thing that I did to Mike when I was talking to him and he was on life support. I am even crying just writing this! Way too many memories that I wish never happened!

Its weird bc I wasnt in love with Mike anymore so I am kind of taken back by how sad this makes me. I know this is horrible, but I am just being honest, I had moments before all of this that I just wished Mike was not in the picture because I thought that things would be so much easier. I never wanted him to die I just wanted him out of the picture. And now I would do anything to have him back in Masons life. I would never wish this on my worst enemy. Mike and I had our differences but the one thing I can say about Mike is that he really did love his son. And Mason truly adored him! So for all you single moms out there having trouble with your childs father. BE THANKFUL!!! Whether you think your child has a good father or not at least he has one! A Childs love is so incredible and they see past everything and they love unconditionally. What I wouldnt do to have the one that Mason loves, almost as much as me :), back!

Monday, January 2, 2012

House Hunting Frustrations

So this whole house hunting extravaganza is nothing like i thought it would be!!! I thought it was going to be so much fun and easy. Boy was I wrong!!! You really need a lot of patience during this whole process and patience is definitely not my strongest virtue! I have seen 18 houses now and 3 of them I liked. First off was house number 7. It is in the perfect location in Allen and the elementary school there is really good. So I put an offer on that house but they wanted more than what I thought the house was worth. So we moved on and kept looking.

Then house number 15 is one I absolutely fell in love with! This guy bought the house a month before and flipped it so it has all new stainless steel appliances, hardwood floors, granite counter tops, and a huge backyard! This house was PERFECT! Well.....almost perfect! The location was not the greatest. It was in Allen but in a more run down part of Allen and I do not really see myself living in that neighborhood. I was still so on the fence about this house but then my dad pulled up the sex offender site. A man a few houses down molested a 6 year old 4 years ago.....OH H*LL NO! So there goes that option! If I could only pick up that house and move it to a different location I would pay the asking price for it!

Then House number 18 I liked as well. This too is in Allen, seeing a trend? But this house has a pool! YIPEE! I think having a house with a pool in it would be freaking amazing and I could have so many pool parties and have my nephews over all the time to swim with Mason. Only problem with this house is that it is a foreclosure and needs a lot of work. They converted the garage into this ridiculous extra room and then there is even an enclosed hot tub off the living room. The pool needs new tile and to be resurfaced also. In the end This house is just too much work for me which sucks because it has so much potential. If I was married I would have definitely gone for that house but it being just me there is no way I can get everything done!

So after talking with my dad more about house number 7 we decided that it might be worth a little more than what we originally thought after seeing what all is out there. So we went back to that house and put in our best and final offer...and they ACCEPTED!!!! WOOHOOOO and January 27th is the move in date!! Oh but wait.....We had the inspection done on Thursday. There were a lot of little things that I don't mind and I can fix on my own but the one thing I CANT and WONT fix......the new roof the house needs!!! There are a lot of defective shingles and hail damage so we are hoping the sellers can go through their insurance for the hail damage and get it replaced. We sent them the request to fix the roof on Saturday and still have not heard back. I completely fell in love with this house again after being there for the inspection and I pray to God that they replace that roof. Otherwise I wont be buying the house but its just perfect for Mason and I. So again, the waiting game continues. I HATE THIS! Did I mention that I am not a patient person....at all???????

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Rough Week

So this week has been a really rough one for Mason. I usually get one phone call every other month or so about how bad Mason is being at school. They call me so that I can talk to him and hopefully get him acting better again. Well this week we set a record! THREE phone calls in 4 days!!!! Yup, that's right people...THREE....In ONE week!!! One day he even bit a teacher!!! He is almost FIVE and has never bitten before! I do not know what is going on inside of his tiny little head. Especially because the teacher that he bit is the one that he is head over heels in love with! So I had Santa take him off the nice list. Mason cried after watching the video that I had made for him but Santa told him that if he works really hard he can be put on the nice list so I hope this works! If you have kids this video is a great idea! http://www.portablenorthpole.tv/home And once Mason starts being nice at school again then Santa will be sending him a new video with him on the nice list! :)

The main reason I think that Mason has had such a rough week is because he really misses his daddy. He has been talking a lot about him this week and we have had a lot of this happening....

And it comes out of nowhere! We were on our way to meet up with my best friend to go bowling and he just starts crying. He said that if Daddy isn't coming down from Heaven then that means they cant ever do things together, like go swimming, watch a movie, or eat. I think he is finally realizing that he wont have that opportunity anymore to spend time with his daddy and it hurts to see him finally getting it. I think that once a headstone or plaque is made for Mike that it will really help Mason with his healing. Mason would hopefully stop asking me when Daddy will be coming down from Heaven. If we had a headstone or plaque somewhere then we could have somewhere to visit Daddy. And Mason can physically see that Daddy is no longer here anymore but there is somewhere that he can go and talk to him. With Christmas coming up it is just so hard. Its the first Big Holiday since Mike past and it is going to be a rough one for everyone. A teacher at Masons school told me to look up this Poem because she thinks it will help a lot...so below is the poem...and Beth....Show Mark this, I think it might help him a little to get through Christmas...

My First Christmas in Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear, But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring, For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart. But I am not so far away, We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear. And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above. I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold. was always most important the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, my Father said to do. I can't count the blessing or love has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and Wipe away that tear. Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Five Months

Sorry I have not posted in a while. I have just been a little overwhelmed with so much that has been going on. Today is exactly 5 months since Mike passed away. These past five months have been really difficult and yet so much has changed.

I have gotten a lot less emotional lately but I still have my days. In fact I was watching a Gifted Man the other day and boy am I happy that I was alone when I Watched it!!! In this episode a lady dies from rabies and she is in the ambulance and her husband was with her when she passed. Her head was facing to the left, toward her husband, and I had such a flashback. When they wheeled Mike away to the operating room to take him off life support and donate his organs his head was faced to the left, towards the room we were sitting in. I saw them wheel him away and I saw his face lying towards us. This is the last image I have of Mike. I completely lost it when I saw this on the show and I had one of those loud ugly cries. I literally couldn't stop crying for a good ten minutes no matter how hard I tried!

The only other times that I find myself crying is when Mason asks about Daddy. Once every two to three weeks he asks me when Daddy is going to come down from Heaven because he misses him. When I explain to him that Daddy will never be able to come back down he starts to cry.....which then leads me to cry too. I really don't wish this on my worst enemy. I know now that I am strong enough to handle all of this but I wish that I never had to find out if I was strong enough or not. I know everything happens for a reason and that God won't hand me more than I can handle but I mean seriously....enough already!

So moving on to happier things. I have officially begun my house hunting!!! I have seen 9 homes so far and I put an offer on one. I don't think it is going to work though because they are wanting more than what I think the house is worth for several reasons. So we will see what happens there. I have 3 more houses to see on Wednesday and hopefully I see something that I like. I am so not a patient person so this is so hard for me to wait to find the perfect house! And to be honest, if it weren't for Mason I would not be looking for a house right now. But since I am stuck in Texas for at least a few more years I want to give Mason some more stability and a home to call his own. And I can't wait for him to have his own backyard to play in!! He is going to have the coolest playground set ever for him to play with and its going to be a nice break for me too. Now I will be able to just open the door and let him play instead of having to drive him to a park and sit there bored out of my mind!! Anyways, I will keep y'all updated on my house hunting adventures!!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Piece of Mind

So first off I am so happy! I posted the other day about suggestions for how to get the answers to the questions I have. Well I looked into this Medium here and I emailed her for her prices....she wrote back saying she charges $275 for an hour session. I was so disappointed bc while I would like some answers I am not willing to spend that kind of money for them. At least not yet. So last night I was having a bit of a melt down. I was extremely emotional and just couldn't stop crying. I feel so bipolar lately and I hate it! Anyways, So I was laying in bed praying. I pray every night before going to sleep but this time I prayed for answers. I prayed for some kind of sign that Mike is still with Mason and watching over him. I know this sounds horrible but I wasn't expecting any signs from praying. I mean heck, I have been praying for a good man to come in my life for years and am still waiting....haha. So that was that and I fell asleep and slept the whole night for the first time in MONTHS! Its like I had this weight lifted off my shoulders and could finally rest.

In the morning I forget about everything and hurry Mason to get dressed so we can go to work/school. And then on the way to Masons school I got my answer. Out of nowhere I hear these words out of Masons mouth....."Mommy, I saw daddy last night in my dream." Mason and I have never talked about dreams before and he has no idea what I have been going through because I don't talk about these things with a four year old and I can always manage to hold off on my meltdowns until Mason is asleep. I immediately started crying but I had to be careful because I didn't want Mason to know. I asked him what they talked about and he said that he told daddy that he really misses him and wishes he could come back down. But in true Mason fashion, he changed the subject in that same breath. I have learned with him that if I interrogate him he is more likely to make up something just so he has something to say. So I will patiently wait for him to bring it up again. But now I know that Mike is still with Mason and it absolutely warms my heart.

Now I can focus my attention on teaching Mason how to hold Lily without choking her :)