Wednesday, January 11, 2012

6 months

Six months....that is how long it has been now since Mike has been in Heaven. So much has happened these last six months it is insane. It seems like time has flown by but at the same time it seems like everything just happened yesterday. I am finally emotionally stable....somewhat. I obvioulsy have my moments but I am not having break downs every other day. Mason is doing better too but he still asks about when he can see daddy. He knows daddy is in Heaven but he still forgets that Heaven is a place you never come back from. And then when he cries when I tell him daddy will never come back down I obviously cry too. I don't find myself crying nearly as often but I still have those nights that I cry myself to sleep. I think about all that Mason is going to miss out on and I lose it. I watched this past weeks episode of Greys Anatomy and I cant ever watch that show again. There was a car accident and this girl watched her grandma, mom, and dad die. With the dad the daughter is the one who decided to take him off life support and it brought back so many memories. And at the end of the show you watch one of the surgeons, i dont know names, and her husband died in surgery. Well she went into the OR afterwards and pulled the sheet off from over the husband and put her hand on his forehead. This is the same thing that I did to Mike when I was talking to him and he was on life support. I am even crying just writing this! Way too many memories that I wish never happened!

Its weird bc I wasnt in love with Mike anymore so I am kind of taken back by how sad this makes me. I know this is horrible, but I am just being honest, I had moments before all of this that I just wished Mike was not in the picture because I thought that things would be so much easier. I never wanted him to die I just wanted him out of the picture. And now I would do anything to have him back in Masons life. I would never wish this on my worst enemy. Mike and I had our differences but the one thing I can say about Mike is that he really did love his son. And Mason truly adored him! So for all you single moms out there having trouble with your childs father. BE THANKFUL!!! Whether you think your child has a good father or not at least he has one! A Childs love is so incredible and they see past everything and they love unconditionally. What I wouldnt do to have the one that Mason loves, almost as much as me :), back!

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