Sad Realization

So any one who knows me, even if for only a few minutes, knows that I am not a fan of Texas. I have wanted to move out of here since we moved here about 18 years ago. Every time I start the planning process something comes up. The top two contenders for me are California and Colorado. California is my number 1 choice, however I have no family there and it is SO expensive I think if I moved there that I would be setting myself up for failure. So Colorado it is. I have a few family members, my company has an office there, and the price is just about the same as it is here.

So you might say that it is Selfish of me to want to move Mason and myself away from Texas and everyone here.....And you would be right. Everything that I do is for my son. I wouldn't change it for the world but at the same time it is MY life too! I want to enjoy life and really feel like I am living out my dream. I know it sounds crazy but I feel like I am just existing here....not truly living. I want to do more things outdoors and in this great state of TX there isn't much to do. And during the summer time unless you want to have a heat stroke you need to stay indoors. I want to sit there one weekend bored and say "hey lets go hiking" and an hour later be at the mountains. So the planning begins. I found some really nice apartments with beautiful views and in my price range. I did the research on the elementary schools in the area too to make sure Mason would be starting Kindergarten somewhere good. My plan was to move next summer. With Mike dying so quickly it made me realize that I need to stop wasting my time and start living out my dreams.

Then I went with Mason to a little family BBQ at Mikes family's house over Labor Day weekend. We had an absolute blast and I love seeing how adored Mason is by everyone. But then Beth said something to me that night that made me realize I have to put my plans on hold. (I was waiting to tell them about the move until it was for sure because I was really scared of how it would hurt them.) Beth said that every time the phone rings she gets scared that something else has happened. And she then said several times "I cant handle anything else happening right now." And that is when it just kind of hit me. I need this move for myself. But Mikes family needs Mason to help them cope with the loss of Mike. I didn't lose my son....they did. And I think it will be too soon after losing their son to then lose their grandson. They wouldn't completely lose their grandson because no matter where I live they will always play a huge role in Masons life. But physically spending time with Mason would be cut drastically. I know it will also be hard on Mason but he is still too young to grasp everything and he adapts so easily to every situation thrown his way.

So the decision has been made. My plans have been put on hold for a few more years. I WILL eventually move out of TX but for right now I think it is for the best that we stay put.