8 Months

Eight months…that is how long it has now been since Mike died. I can’t believe it has already been that long. In some ways it feels longer and in some ways it feels like it just happened. For the most part my emotions are under control now but randomly something will come up and I will just lose it. When I was putting together Mason’s room I ran across some old photos in a binder that were of Mike and I before Mason was ever born. I felt bad for my dad because he called me seconds after I saw those pictures and I couldn’t even talk I was so upset. I was a stuttering mumbling mess. That little 21 year old girl in that photo had NO idea what was in store for her!

Mason has been doing a whole lot better too lately. He has started getting all greens at school and even ditched his mean friends and is now friends with the “good” kids. I have been told that he will go back into his bad slump again though because that is just part of the process. Since his daddy died he went from being horrible, to really good, to horrible, and now really good again. I guess it is just part of him coping. Lately he has started to talk a whole lot more about Mike though and it definitely catches some people off guard. Especially when I have friends over they don’t know how to respond when Mason brings up Mike. I think it is a good thing to talk about him though and be very open.

Last week he was having a rough day with being sick with the flu and he was supposed to be taking a nap so I went to check in on him. On one wall in his room is a collage of his daddy and then the star certificate for the star I had named after Mike is framed on that wall too. Well, when I walked in during his nap time he was sitting on his bed staring at a photo with tears in his eyes. Mason had gotten a photo down that was a Christmas card we sent out for Masons first Christmas. Mike and I were still together then and one photo was of us holding him and the other was of Mason screaming his head off in Santa’s lap. Mason looked up at me and just cried. He said that he wished he was still little so that he could still see his daddy. BROKE…MY…HEART! I absolutely hate that there is nothing I can do to fix what happened. I am trying to keep his schedule somewhat busy to help take his mind off of things and im hoping it works. He is in play therapy once a week and he has his first tee ball practice tonight so hopefully all goes well! I know soccer was fun for him but hoping tee ball will be even better!!

P.S. - I promise I will upload before and after photos of my house at some point!

Its that time again

Mason is back to acting up again, but this time it is worse than ever. We all anticipated there to be a set back after the first round of Holidays without Mike but none of us anticipated it to be this bad. Little guy has SO MUCH anger! I think everything is finally sinking in with him. He is starting to truly understand that he will never see his dad again. He has gotten so bad at school that I am at a loss on what to do. It is no longer him just being verbally mean but he has gotten physically mean too. Physical with both his friends AND teachers. He gets several red and yellow cards a DAY! This kid is out of control!!!So I hate to admit when I cant help my own child but I need help! So I finally decided to put Mason back in play therapy. This time though, I am going with someone else! I did not click at all with the last lady and I dont think she did any good with Mason. So I met with someone who I actually went to high school with and have not seen since. She is now a play therapist and I have to admit that I am so excited about this! She has about 20 years less experience than the previous therapist Mason saw....yet she has a thousand times more knowledge. I met with her for about 45 minutes to tell her the story with Mason and she gave me so many good ideas on how to handle different situations. It's funny because I thought I was doing so many things right yet turns out not so much. Its not like I am doing anything wrong, I just could be handling things better. I easily forget that Mason is only four and can't process things the way an adult would. Anyways, she teaches parenting classes too so I will be taking some of those to help learn the techniques of play therapy to do at home. I am excited for Mason to start his sessions too and I really hope they help him. I hate to see all this anger built up inside such a typically happy child. Keeping my fingers crossed that this is exactly what Mason needs!

6 months

Six months....that is how long it has been now since Mike has been in Heaven. So much has happened these last six months it is insane. It seems like time has flown by but at the same time it seems like everything just happened yesterday. I am finally emotionally stable....somewhat. I obvioulsy have my moments but I am not having break downs every other day. Mason is doing better too but he still asks about when he can see daddy. He knows daddy is in Heaven but he still forgets that Heaven is a place you never come back from. And then when he cries when I tell him daddy will never come back down I obviously cry too. I don't find myself crying nearly as often but I still have those nights that I cry myself to sleep. I think about all that Mason is going to miss out on and I lose it. I watched this past weeks episode of Greys Anatomy and I cant ever watch that show again. There was a car accident and this girl watched her grandma, mom, and dad die. With the dad the daughter is the one who decided to take him off life support and it brought back so many memories. And at the end of the show you watch one of the surgeons, i dont know names, and her husband died in surgery. Well she went into the OR afterwards and pulled the sheet off from over the husband and put her hand on his forehead. This is the same thing that I did to Mike when I was talking to him and he was on life support. I am even crying just writing this! Way too many memories that I wish never happened!

Its weird bc I wasnt in love with Mike anymore so I am kind of taken back by how sad this makes me. I know this is horrible, but I am just being honest, I had moments before all of this that I just wished Mike was not in the picture because I thought that things would be so much easier. I never wanted him to die I just wanted him out of the picture. And now I would do anything to have him back in Masons life. I would never wish this on my worst enemy. Mike and I had our differences but the one thing I can say about Mike is that he really did love his son. And Mason truly adored him! So for all you single moms out there having trouble with your childs father. BE THANKFUL!!! Whether you think your child has a good father or not at least he has one! A Childs love is so incredible and they see past everything and they love unconditionally. What I wouldnt do to have the one that Mason loves, almost as much as me :), back!

House Hunting Frustrations

So this whole house hunting extravaganza is nothing like i thought it would be!!! I thought it was going to be so much fun and easy. Boy was I wrong!!! You really need a lot of patience during this whole process and patience is definitely not my strongest virtue! I have seen 18 houses now and 3 of them I liked. First off was house number 7. It is in the perfect location in Allen and the elementary school there is really good. So I put an offer on that house but they wanted more than what I thought the house was worth. So we moved on and kept looking.

Then house number 15 is one I absolutely fell in love with! This guy bought the house a month before and flipped it so it has all new stainless steel appliances, hardwood floors, granite counter tops, and a huge backyard! This house was PERFECT! Well.....almost perfect! The location was not the greatest. It was in Allen but in a more run down part of Allen and I do not really see myself living in that neighborhood. I was still so on the fence about this house but then my dad pulled up the sex offender site. A man a few houses down molested a 6 year old 4 years ago.....OH H*LL NO! So there goes that option! If I could only pick up that house and move it to a different location I would pay the asking price for it!

Then House number 18 I liked as well. This too is in Allen, seeing a trend? But this house has a pool! YIPEE! I think having a house with a pool in it would be freaking amazing and I could have so many pool parties and have my nephews over all the time to swim with Mason. Only problem with this house is that it is a foreclosure and needs a lot of work. They converted the garage into this ridiculous extra room and then there is even an enclosed hot tub off the living room. The pool needs new tile and to be resurfaced also. In the end This house is just too much work for me which sucks because it has so much potential. If I was married I would have definitely gone for that house but it being just me there is no way I can get everything done!

So after talking with my dad more about house number 7 we decided that it might be worth a little more than what we originally thought after seeing what all is out there. So we went back to that house and put in our best and final offer...and they ACCEPTED!!!! WOOHOOOO and January 27th is the move in date!! Oh but wait.....We had the inspection done on Thursday. There were a lot of little things that I don't mind and I can fix on my own but the one thing I CANT and WONT fix......the new roof the house needs!!! There are a lot of defective shingles and hail damage so we are hoping the sellers can go through their insurance for the hail damage and get it replaced. We sent them the request to fix the roof on Saturday and still have not heard back. I completely fell in love with this house again after being there for the inspection and I pray to God that they replace that roof. Otherwise I wont be buying the house but its just perfect for Mason and I. So again, the waiting game continues. I HATE THIS! Did I mention that I am not a patient person....at all???????