Piece of Mind

So first off I am so happy! I posted the other day about suggestions for how to get the answers to the questions I have. Well I looked into this Medium here and I emailed her for her prices....she wrote back saying she charges $275 for an hour session. I was so disappointed bc while I would like some answers I am not willing to spend that kind of money for them. At least not yet. So last night I was having a bit of a melt down. I was extremely emotional and just couldn't stop crying. I feel so bipolar lately and I hate it! Anyways, So I was laying in bed praying. I pray every night before going to sleep but this time I prayed for answers. I prayed for some kind of sign that Mike is still with Mason and watching over him. I know this sounds horrible but I wasn't expecting any signs from praying. I mean heck, I have been praying for a good man to come in my life for years and am still waiting....haha. So that was that and I fell asleep and slept the whole night for the first time in MONTHS! Its like I had this weight lifted off my shoulders and could finally rest.

In the morning I forget about everything and hurry Mason to get dressed so we can go to work/school. And then on the way to Masons school I got my answer. Out of nowhere I hear these words out of Masons mouth....."Mommy, I saw daddy last night in my dream." Mason and I have never talked about dreams before and he has no idea what I have been going through because I don't talk about these things with a four year old and I can always manage to hold off on my meltdowns until Mason is asleep. I immediately started crying but I had to be careful because I didn't want Mason to know. I asked him what they talked about and he said that he told daddy that he really misses him and wishes he could come back down. But in true Mason fashion, he changed the subject in that same breath. I have learned with him that if I interrogate him he is more likely to make up something just so he has something to say. So I will patiently wait for him to bring it up again. But now I know that Mike is still with Mason and it absolutely warms my heart.

Now I can focus my attention on teaching Mason how to hold Lily without choking her :)

Suggestions Please

So I posted the other week about if I should read Heaven is For Real or not. Well, I read it. While overall I think it was a good book, it was a bit of a let down for me. Maybe I am just jaded but it is was hard for me to believe everything that was in the book. And I really do not need the book to tell me that Heaven is for real, I already know that.

What I want to know is if Mike could hear me at the Hospital. I had a whole lot to say to him and I want to know if he heard what I had to say. He was not brain dead but he was not responsive and had such little brain activity he couldn't do anything, not even open his eyes. So when I was asking him to protect Mason from up above did he hear me? Is he doing it right now? Was he having an out of body experience? Could he see all of us in the private family room at the hospital crying? I want answers.....and I don't know if I will ever get them. So here comes my question.....does anyone know of a book that can help answer these questions? I am kind of desperate for answers...

On a side note, has anyone seen the new show Long Island Medium? If not, it is about this lady in Long Island, NY who is a medium and can talk to loved ones who have passed and the things she says is absolutely amazing if its for real. It makes me want to see if there is a reputable Medium here who can "talk" to Mike. I have never really believed in these kinds of things but like I said....I am desperate for answers.

Just Breathe

So much has been going on the past few weeks and I have been meaning to update this blog but I haven't really had much of a chance! It's nice to have a second to just breathe and relax and those times are hard to come across now.

In the past four weekends I have gone to 3 Festivals, 2 Bridal showers, 1 baby shower, and a kids birthday party. I was suppose to go to a second baby shower but I had to cancel because I was so exhausted and run down I couldn't get out of bed! And on top of that Mason has a soccer game every Saturday that I refuse to miss! I have also had my parents over for dinner one night, Mikes parents over for dinner another night, and I have a friend coming over for dinner tonight. I love hosting people here but it definitely takes some work! What happened to those weekends of being so bored and desperate to find something to do? I miss those weekends! With how busy I am you would think that I have hundreds of friends! But alas, this single mama does not.

I have also decided to add some things to my busy life. First would be Lily, our new kitten! She is super cute but oh so scared! She hides for most of the day and night! Mason just adores her and all he wants to do is hold her. But when little one sees this big kid running towards her with excitement she freaks and runs under my dresser and climbs up into the drawers! haha. Mason really wanted to call her Twinkle Toes but I knew that would be a decision he regretted when he got older so her name is officially Lily Florence!

And for the most recent update to my life.......I am buying a HOUSE!!!! I can not be more excited about this! My lease is not up until February so I have not quite started the search yet but I have already given my Realtor my needs/wish list and gotten approved for the loan so I am ready to go! And my Realtor is a good family friend and has worked with my parents and my brother so I know she will help me out! I am also going to have her show me every step she takes so I can get some experience under my belt for when I get my Real Estate License!

I can't believe how much my life has changed in the past few months. There have been some REALLY bad times and some REALLY good times! It has been a roller coaster of emotions to say the least. I am still trying to adjust to not having Mason's father here anymore and I have gotten a lot better but some days I just completely lose it. I just never know what will set me off. But at the end of the day I am alive and healthy, Mason is alive and healthy, my family is alive and healthy, and I have the most amazing people surrounding me and my son. No matter what I have gone through I am really a lucky lady to have what I do! I wish everyone had the friends and family that I do, without them I would be so lost.

Should I or Shouldn't I?

So several people have mentioned to me that I should Read "Heaven is for Real." For those of you have not heard of this book, it is the true story of a boys trip to Heaven and back. I would love to read this book, really I would. But I am a little hesitant on if I should or not. See, I am still pretty emotional about Mike's death. And in the Hospital on the day of Mike's accident Beth and I were talking about how we wanted to ask Mike what it was like being dead and then coming back. Mike died on scene at the accident but they brought him back to life and we could not wait to hear his stories. Did he see a light? Did all of his childhood memories flash before him? Did he see loved ones that had passed? Was there a big pearly gate? All we had to do was wait for him to wake up so we could ask him.....only problem is.....he never woke up. So I don't know if I want to read this book because I wanted to hear about Heaven from Mike.....but obviously that is not going to happen.

So here is my question...Should I read the book or Shouldn't I?

Sad Realization

So any one who knows me, even if for only a few minutes, knows that I am not a fan of Texas. I have wanted to move out of here since we moved here about 18 years ago. Every time I start the planning process something comes up. The top two contenders for me are California and Colorado. California is my number 1 choice, however I have no family there and it is SO expensive I think if I moved there that I would be setting myself up for failure. So Colorado it is. I have a few family members, my company has an office there, and the price is just about the same as it is here.

So you might say that it is Selfish of me to want to move Mason and myself away from Texas and everyone here.....And you would be right. Everything that I do is for my son. I wouldn't change it for the world but at the same time it is MY life too! I want to enjoy life and really feel like I am living out my dream. I know it sounds crazy but I feel like I am just existing here....not truly living. I want to do more things outdoors and in this great state of TX there isn't much to do. And during the summer time unless you want to have a heat stroke you need to stay indoors. I want to sit there one weekend bored and say "hey lets go hiking" and an hour later be at the mountains. So the planning begins. I found some really nice apartments with beautiful views and in my price range. I did the research on the elementary schools in the area too to make sure Mason would be starting Kindergarten somewhere good. My plan was to move next summer. With Mike dying so quickly it made me realize that I need to stop wasting my time and start living out my dreams.

Then I went with Mason to a little family BBQ at Mikes family's house over Labor Day weekend. We had an absolute blast and I love seeing how adored Mason is by everyone. But then Beth said something to me that night that made me realize I have to put my plans on hold. (I was waiting to tell them about the move until it was for sure because I was really scared of how it would hurt them.) Beth said that every time the phone rings she gets scared that something else has happened. And she then said several times "I cant handle anything else happening right now." And that is when it just kind of hit me. I need this move for myself. But Mikes family needs Mason to help them cope with the loss of Mike. I didn't lose my son....they did. And I think it will be too soon after losing their son to then lose their grandson. They wouldn't completely lose their grandson because no matter where I live they will always play a huge role in Masons life. But physically spending time with Mason would be cut drastically. I know it will also be hard on Mason but he is still too young to grasp everything and he adapts so easily to every situation thrown his way.

So the decision has been made. My plans have been put on hold for a few more years. I WILL eventually move out of TX but for right now I think it is for the best that we stay put.

Labor Day Weekend

Last weekend was Labor Day weekend and it was much needed!! So much has been going on in the past two months and it was nice to have a weekend of fun. On Friday Uncle Primo came over and played with Mason for a little bit. He is like a big kid with Mason and Mason gets excited every time he sees him.
Then Mason had soccer practice later that night. It was his second practice and Mason loves his team. He definitely has some problems focusing on the game and not the grass or a bird in the sky. And he tends to spend most of the practice hanging on the goal posts but I was able to get an action shot of him actually playing.! He is number 11 since his dads birthday was on the 11th and he thinks that is so cool! Go Stingrays!!

Saturday Mason and I met up with Aunt Wendy in Dallas and had lunch but I didn't get any pictures of that unfortunately. We went swimming afterwards and since I didn't have a floaty for Mason he refused to get in! Luckily a bee flew by and we told him the only way to be safe from the bees was to get in the water so he quickly jumped into my arms! :) Mikes cousin and aunt came in town over the weekend so they took Mason to a water park on Sunday with Beth. Then we all went over to Mark and Beth's house for dinner. It was really nice to just relax over there and see how much everyone loves Mason. Mason truly is one lucky kid!

On a side note, today is exactly ten years from the attack on 9/11, and it is two months since Mike died. Every channel seems to have a special on and it is really hard to see all this talk about death. Definitely an emotional day.

Rough Few Days

So the past few weeks things have been getting better with Mason and I. There have been a lot less break downs and Mason has been getting Green paper at school every day. But the last few days have been really emotional. It seems to come and go in waves. Wednesday night Mason was laying in bed talking to Mike. He was crying saying "Daddy, please come back down from Heaven, I dont want you up there" :( It was absolutely heartbreaking. There is not a thing that I can do to stop those tears. I cant tell him that everything is going to be just fine because truth be told I dont know if it ever will. He lost his father. Someone who meant so much to him and someone he loved so much. I am a Huge Daddy's girl and Mason wont ever get the chance to be a daddy's boy. Little boys need their fathers. Im definitely not as fun as Mike was with Mason. I have a lot more rules and am a lot stricter than Mike was. But Mike didnt have to be the strict one. He saw Mason every other weekend so he was able to be the Fun Dad and Mason misses that so much.

Then on Saturday I got another sympathy card in the mail. Dont get me wrong I appreciate these cards and it means a lot to know that people are out there praying for us. But I had not gotten one in a few weeks. So seeing that in the mail brought all those emotions back up. Nothing is suppose to happen in my life or my sons life that warrants getting a sympathy card. This was not suppose to happen to us. More importantly this was not suppose to happen to my little boy. He has done nothing wrong, nothing to deserve the loss of his father.

One day when Mason has his own kids he is going to play catch with his son and it is suppose to bring back the memories of him playing catch with his dad. Now those memories will never be. I cant stand that. The thought of him in elementary school and kids asking him what his dad does and him having to say that his dad is in heaven is such a horrible thought.

I never in a million years thought something like this could happen to us. All of this has really made me take a good look at my life and how I am living it. Dont ever take life for Granted. Live out your dreams and Live every day like it is your last because tomorrow is not guaranteed.