Sad Realization

So any one who knows me, even if for only a few minutes, knows that I am not a fan of Texas. I have wanted to move out of here since we moved here about 18 years ago. Every time I start the planning process something comes up. The top two contenders for me are California and Colorado. California is my number 1 choice, however I have no family there and it is SO expensive I think if I moved there that I would be setting myself up for failure. So Colorado it is. I have a few family members, my company has an office there, and the price is just about the same as it is here.

So you might say that it is Selfish of me to want to move Mason and myself away from Texas and everyone here.....And you would be right. Everything that I do is for my son. I wouldn't change it for the world but at the same time it is MY life too! I want to enjoy life and really feel like I am living out my dream. I know it sounds crazy but I feel like I am just existing here....not truly living. I want to do more things outdoors and in this great state of TX there isn't much to do. And during the summer time unless you want to have a heat stroke you need to stay indoors. I want to sit there one weekend bored and say "hey lets go hiking" and an hour later be at the mountains. So the planning begins. I found some really nice apartments with beautiful views and in my price range. I did the research on the elementary schools in the area too to make sure Mason would be starting Kindergarten somewhere good. My plan was to move next summer. With Mike dying so quickly it made me realize that I need to stop wasting my time and start living out my dreams.

Then I went with Mason to a little family BBQ at Mikes family's house over Labor Day weekend. We had an absolute blast and I love seeing how adored Mason is by everyone. But then Beth said something to me that night that made me realize I have to put my plans on hold. (I was waiting to tell them about the move until it was for sure because I was really scared of how it would hurt them.) Beth said that every time the phone rings she gets scared that something else has happened. And she then said several times "I cant handle anything else happening right now." And that is when it just kind of hit me. I need this move for myself. But Mikes family needs Mason to help them cope with the loss of Mike. I didn't lose my son....they did. And I think it will be too soon after losing their son to then lose their grandson. They wouldn't completely lose their grandson because no matter where I live they will always play a huge role in Masons life. But physically spending time with Mason would be cut drastically. I know it will also be hard on Mason but he is still too young to grasp everything and he adapts so easily to every situation thrown his way.

So the decision has been made. My plans have been put on hold for a few more years. I WILL eventually move out of TX but for right now I think it is for the best that we stay put.

Labor Day Weekend

Last weekend was Labor Day weekend and it was much needed!! So much has been going on in the past two months and it was nice to have a weekend of fun. On Friday Uncle Primo came over and played with Mason for a little bit. He is like a big kid with Mason and Mason gets excited every time he sees him.
Then Mason had soccer practice later that night. It was his second practice and Mason loves his team. He definitely has some problems focusing on the game and not the grass or a bird in the sky. And he tends to spend most of the practice hanging on the goal posts but I was able to get an action shot of him actually playing.! He is number 11 since his dads birthday was on the 11th and he thinks that is so cool! Go Stingrays!!

Saturday Mason and I met up with Aunt Wendy in Dallas and had lunch but I didn't get any pictures of that unfortunately. We went swimming afterwards and since I didn't have a floaty for Mason he refused to get in! Luckily a bee flew by and we told him the only way to be safe from the bees was to get in the water so he quickly jumped into my arms! :) Mikes cousin and aunt came in town over the weekend so they took Mason to a water park on Sunday with Beth. Then we all went over to Mark and Beth's house for dinner. It was really nice to just relax over there and see how much everyone loves Mason. Mason truly is one lucky kid!

On a side note, today is exactly ten years from the attack on 9/11, and it is two months since Mike died. Every channel seems to have a special on and it is really hard to see all this talk about death. Definitely an emotional day.

Rough Few Days

So the past few weeks things have been getting better with Mason and I. There have been a lot less break downs and Mason has been getting Green paper at school every day. But the last few days have been really emotional. It seems to come and go in waves. Wednesday night Mason was laying in bed talking to Mike. He was crying saying "Daddy, please come back down from Heaven, I dont want you up there" :( It was absolutely heartbreaking. There is not a thing that I can do to stop those tears. I cant tell him that everything is going to be just fine because truth be told I dont know if it ever will. He lost his father. Someone who meant so much to him and someone he loved so much. I am a Huge Daddy's girl and Mason wont ever get the chance to be a daddy's boy. Little boys need their fathers. Im definitely not as fun as Mike was with Mason. I have a lot more rules and am a lot stricter than Mike was. But Mike didnt have to be the strict one. He saw Mason every other weekend so he was able to be the Fun Dad and Mason misses that so much.

Then on Saturday I got another sympathy card in the mail. Dont get me wrong I appreciate these cards and it means a lot to know that people are out there praying for us. But I had not gotten one in a few weeks. So seeing that in the mail brought all those emotions back up. Nothing is suppose to happen in my life or my sons life that warrants getting a sympathy card. This was not suppose to happen to us. More importantly this was not suppose to happen to my little boy. He has done nothing wrong, nothing to deserve the loss of his father.

One day when Mason has his own kids he is going to play catch with his son and it is suppose to bring back the memories of him playing catch with his dad. Now those memories will never be. I cant stand that. The thought of him in elementary school and kids asking him what his dad does and him having to say that his dad is in heaven is such a horrible thought.

I never in a million years thought something like this could happen to us. All of this has really made me take a good look at my life and how I am living it. Dont ever take life for Granted. Live out your dreams and Live every day like it is your last because tomorrow is not guaranteed.

~ Please Help ~

Alzheimer's is something that really hits home with me. It runs in the women on my Dad's side of the family. My Dad's grandmother, great grandmother, and great aunt all passed away because of this. His mother died too young of breast cancer to know if she would have gotten it. Unfortunately, Alzheimer's has decided to show its ugly face again.

The whole thing is heartbreaking and something needs to be done to help end this. Currently, more than 5 million Americans have Alzheimer's and that number is expected to grow to as many as 16 million by 2050. Our future is at risk unless we can find a way to change the course of this disease.

On October 8th, 2011 I will be walking to end Alzheimer's. I need your support to do my part! Please make a donation to help the Alzheimer's Association advance research into prevention, treatments and a cure for Alzheimer’s. For the millions already affected by the disease, the Association offers care, education, support and resources in communities nationwide. You can donate by clicking the link below. Thank you everyone for your support!

http://walktoendalz.kintera.org/grapevine/kristenmf07

Quick Update

So much has happened these past two weeks that I really dont know where to start. Mason and I have definitely been busy little bees. He started therapy last week and has had two sessions now. I really dont know if he needs to continue with it because he is doing so much better now. I dont think it was from the therapy though because this past wednesday was the first one on one sessions he had and he was doing better even before that. He went two weeks of being SO bad like I posted before and now he is getting all greens at school! I have been signing him up for all the Field Trips so he goes on about 2-3 a week and I think that is definitely helping him to burn off some of his energy. I also am not a huge fan of Masons counselor. Within the first 20 minutes of the first session she told me that 6 months before Mason starts Kindergarten I need to get him in to see a Neurologist to get his ADHD diagnoses and get him on meds. The first session was just me and the counselor talking about what happened while Mason was in the corner playing with toys so she really didnt even interact with him. Now I have no doubt that Mason has ADHD, I have always thought this and his dad had ADHD too. But telling me after 20 minutes that I need to get my 4 year old on meds so he can calm down just doesnt really sit well with me. I talked with his daycare to see if his hyperactivity is affecting him with his school work there and they said no, he is just like every other little 4 year old boy there. The owner has ADD and so does his son and he told me to definitely wait on putting Mason on meds bc he is way too young. I completely agree with this. Now if they had told me that his hyperactivity is affecting him negatively at school then yes I would absolutely consider putting him on meds. But if its not affecting him right now then I see no reason to dope him up!
I also started school this week! One of my classes is Research Writing and I got my topic approved! My topic is.....The Pros and Cons of Meds for Kids with ADHD! So if Mason does indeed need meds down the road I can make an educated decision. I really cant tell you how excited that it makes me to know that in a few short weeks I will be a Pro on this topic! I already have had several people say they want to read my paper so when I am done with it I will post it here!

Because Life isnt Crazy Enough!

So my life right now obviously is not crazy enough right? I feel like I am being pulled in so many different directions right now! And yet I keep piling things on! I have been completely slacking with studying for my state licensing exam so that I can get my real estate license but it is time that I really start cracking down on that. And starting August 15th I am going back to school full time so it is going to be even harder to study for that exam! I also have enrolled Mason in soccer and I find out in two weeks what days his practice will be on. I am really hoping it is not on Tuesdays or Thursdays because there is a karate place right next to my apartment that I want to put him in and the classes are those days. I don't know if I have bitten off more than I can chew but it helps a lot if I stay busy. Less time to think about things!

On a side note, Mason has been doing really bad lately. At Daycare you get a color each day, green, yellow, or red. And Mason is a green color kind of kid! Of course he has his days being that he is a 4 year old hyper boy! But green is the norm around here! For the past two weeks though he has only been getting red! He has been screaming, yelling, pushing, hitting, kicking, throwing, you name it! This is so not like my little boy! I know this is normal behaviour for a kid his age going through what he is going through but this is so tough on me! I need to discipline him and make sure he knows that this is not OK but at the same time it is not his fault. He has so many feelings and emotions going on and he does not know how to channel them so he acts out. I feel so helpless and as a mother that is the worst feeling ever! So starting Monday Mason has his first "play therapy" session. This counselor specializes in preschoolers and I REALLY hope this helps! I tried so hard to hold back tears while I was making this appointment BC it hurts so bad knowing that my little boy is hurting and I cant "fix" it for him! I just wish everything was back to normal!

Assumptions

I'm hiding at my desk right now trying to stop the tears from flowing. Every time I think about Mikes accident I get so angry that I start to cry. Writing about the days in the hospital helped me to not harbor on those thoughts as much so I am hoping that writing this out will help with my anger. Before I start talking about the accident I want to make it clear that we do not know for sure what happened. This is what I believe happened from putting the pieces together....

According to the witness statement on the police report Mike was speeding. Which is not unusual for Mike, he was a very fast aggressive drive. The car in front of Mike had a trailer attached to it and Mike hit the trailer, lost control and hit the median 3 times while spinning and ended up upside down. The police report stated that the accident happened at 6:36 am. Mike got a text from his roommate at 6:35 am telling him to go straight to the job site because he had his hard hat. So what I believe happened was that he was reading this text when he hit the car in front of him. You don't just hit a car in front of you on the highway unless your eyes are not on the road. I saw photos of the car and the driver side looked fine. You can see that the car definitely rolled over on the passenger side but the car itself is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. There was some damage on the passenger side but the car was not smashed in like I expected it would be. Another witness that came to help Mike stated that Mike was on the passenger side of the car. Now if someone was wearing their seat belt they would not have ended up on the passenger side of the car. And the driver side of the car was FINE! So in this situation I believe that he was not wearing his seat belt. He did not break any bones, only had one small cut on the bottom of his chin. He hit his head just hard enough to knock him out which is what ultimately caused his death.

So from the pieces of information here and there I think Mike was reading a text and not wearing his seat belt. In my eyes, my son lost his father to that! I am so livid with the whole situation and so angry with Mike! This could have easily been prevented! I will admit that I am guilty of texting while driving but NEVER again! No text is worth someones life! And everyone knows that seat belts save lives so WHY in the world would you not wear one!!!!! I know that there is nothing that can be done to change what happened but I still have so much anger. My 4 year old son lost his father, someone who he loved with all his heart, over something so stupid as this. It absolutely breaks my heart! Now could I be 100% wrong on what happened? ABSOLUTELY! I really don't think from the facts that I have that I am wrong, but I have been wrong plenty of times before!