Rough Week

So this week has been a really rough one for Mason. I usually get one phone call every other month or so about how bad Mason is being at school. They call me so that I can talk to him and hopefully get him acting better again. Well this week we set a record! THREE phone calls in 4 days!!!! Yup, that's right people...THREE....In ONE week!!! One day he even bit a teacher!!! He is almost FIVE and has never bitten before! I do not know what is going on inside of his tiny little head. Especially because the teacher that he bit is the one that he is head over heels in love with! So I had Santa take him off the nice list. Mason cried after watching the video that I had made for him but Santa told him that if he works really hard he can be put on the nice list so I hope this works! If you have kids this video is a great idea! http://www.portablenorthpole.tv/home And once Mason starts being nice at school again then Santa will be sending him a new video with him on the nice list! :)

The main reason I think that Mason has had such a rough week is because he really misses his daddy. He has been talking a lot about him this week and we have had a lot of this happening....

And it comes out of nowhere! We were on our way to meet up with my best friend to go bowling and he just starts crying. He said that if Daddy isn't coming down from Heaven then that means they cant ever do things together, like go swimming, watch a movie, or eat. I think he is finally realizing that he wont have that opportunity anymore to spend time with his daddy and it hurts to see him finally getting it. I think that once a headstone or plaque is made for Mike that it will really help Mason with his healing. Mason would hopefully stop asking me when Daddy will be coming down from Heaven. If we had a headstone or plaque somewhere then we could have somewhere to visit Daddy. And Mason can physically see that Daddy is no longer here anymore but there is somewhere that he can go and talk to him. With Christmas coming up it is just so hard. Its the first Big Holiday since Mike past and it is going to be a rough one for everyone. A teacher at Masons school told me to look up this Poem because she thinks it will help a lot...so below is the poem...and Beth....Show Mark this, I think it might help him a little to get through Christmas...

My First Christmas in Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear, But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring, For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart. But I am not so far away, We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear. And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above. I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold. was always most important the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, my Father said to do. I can't count the blessing or love has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and Wipe away that tear. Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year

Five Months

Sorry I have not posted in a while. I have just been a little overwhelmed with so much that has been going on. Today is exactly 5 months since Mike passed away. These past five months have been really difficult and yet so much has changed.

I have gotten a lot less emotional lately but I still have my days. In fact I was watching a Gifted Man the other day and boy am I happy that I was alone when I Watched it!!! In this episode a lady dies from rabies and she is in the ambulance and her husband was with her when she passed. Her head was facing to the left, toward her husband, and I had such a flashback. When they wheeled Mike away to the operating room to take him off life support and donate his organs his head was faced to the left, towards the room we were sitting in. I saw them wheel him away and I saw his face lying towards us. This is the last image I have of Mike. I completely lost it when I saw this on the show and I had one of those loud ugly cries. I literally couldn't stop crying for a good ten minutes no matter how hard I tried!

The only other times that I find myself crying is when Mason asks about Daddy. Once every two to three weeks he asks me when Daddy is going to come down from Heaven because he misses him. When I explain to him that Daddy will never be able to come back down he starts to cry.....which then leads me to cry too. I really don't wish this on my worst enemy. I know now that I am strong enough to handle all of this but I wish that I never had to find out if I was strong enough or not. I know everything happens for a reason and that God won't hand me more than I can handle but I mean seriously....enough already!

So moving on to happier things. I have officially begun my house hunting!!! I have seen 9 homes so far and I put an offer on one. I don't think it is going to work though because they are wanting more than what I think the house is worth for several reasons. So we will see what happens there. I have 3 more houses to see on Wednesday and hopefully I see something that I like. I am so not a patient person so this is so hard for me to wait to find the perfect house! And to be honest, if it weren't for Mason I would not be looking for a house right now. But since I am stuck in Texas for at least a few more years I want to give Mason some more stability and a home to call his own. And I can't wait for him to have his own backyard to play in!! He is going to have the coolest playground set ever for him to play with and its going to be a nice break for me too. Now I will be able to just open the door and let him play instead of having to drive him to a park and sit there bored out of my mind!! Anyways, I will keep y'all updated on my house hunting adventures!!

Piece of Mind

So first off I am so happy! I posted the other day about suggestions for how to get the answers to the questions I have. Well I looked into this Medium here and I emailed her for her prices....she wrote back saying she charges $275 for an hour session. I was so disappointed bc while I would like some answers I am not willing to spend that kind of money for them. At least not yet. So last night I was having a bit of a melt down. I was extremely emotional and just couldn't stop crying. I feel so bipolar lately and I hate it! Anyways, So I was laying in bed praying. I pray every night before going to sleep but this time I prayed for answers. I prayed for some kind of sign that Mike is still with Mason and watching over him. I know this sounds horrible but I wasn't expecting any signs from praying. I mean heck, I have been praying for a good man to come in my life for years and am still waiting....haha. So that was that and I fell asleep and slept the whole night for the first time in MONTHS! Its like I had this weight lifted off my shoulders and could finally rest.

In the morning I forget about everything and hurry Mason to get dressed so we can go to work/school. And then on the way to Masons school I got my answer. Out of nowhere I hear these words out of Masons mouth....."Mommy, I saw daddy last night in my dream." Mason and I have never talked about dreams before and he has no idea what I have been going through because I don't talk about these things with a four year old and I can always manage to hold off on my meltdowns until Mason is asleep. I immediately started crying but I had to be careful because I didn't want Mason to know. I asked him what they talked about and he said that he told daddy that he really misses him and wishes he could come back down. But in true Mason fashion, he changed the subject in that same breath. I have learned with him that if I interrogate him he is more likely to make up something just so he has something to say. So I will patiently wait for him to bring it up again. But now I know that Mike is still with Mason and it absolutely warms my heart.

Now I can focus my attention on teaching Mason how to hold Lily without choking her :)

Suggestions Please

So I posted the other week about if I should read Heaven is For Real or not. Well, I read it. While overall I think it was a good book, it was a bit of a let down for me. Maybe I am just jaded but it is was hard for me to believe everything that was in the book. And I really do not need the book to tell me that Heaven is for real, I already know that.

What I want to know is if Mike could hear me at the Hospital. I had a whole lot to say to him and I want to know if he heard what I had to say. He was not brain dead but he was not responsive and had such little brain activity he couldn't do anything, not even open his eyes. So when I was asking him to protect Mason from up above did he hear me? Is he doing it right now? Was he having an out of body experience? Could he see all of us in the private family room at the hospital crying? I want answers.....and I don't know if I will ever get them. So here comes my question.....does anyone know of a book that can help answer these questions? I am kind of desperate for answers...

On a side note, has anyone seen the new show Long Island Medium? If not, it is about this lady in Long Island, NY who is a medium and can talk to loved ones who have passed and the things she says is absolutely amazing if its for real. It makes me want to see if there is a reputable Medium here who can "talk" to Mike. I have never really believed in these kinds of things but like I said....I am desperate for answers.

Just Breathe

So much has been going on the past few weeks and I have been meaning to update this blog but I haven't really had much of a chance! It's nice to have a second to just breathe and relax and those times are hard to come across now.

In the past four weekends I have gone to 3 Festivals, 2 Bridal showers, 1 baby shower, and a kids birthday party. I was suppose to go to a second baby shower but I had to cancel because I was so exhausted and run down I couldn't get out of bed! And on top of that Mason has a soccer game every Saturday that I refuse to miss! I have also had my parents over for dinner one night, Mikes parents over for dinner another night, and I have a friend coming over for dinner tonight. I love hosting people here but it definitely takes some work! What happened to those weekends of being so bored and desperate to find something to do? I miss those weekends! With how busy I am you would think that I have hundreds of friends! But alas, this single mama does not.

I have also decided to add some things to my busy life. First would be Lily, our new kitten! She is super cute but oh so scared! She hides for most of the day and night! Mason just adores her and all he wants to do is hold her. But when little one sees this big kid running towards her with excitement she freaks and runs under my dresser and climbs up into the drawers! haha. Mason really wanted to call her Twinkle Toes but I knew that would be a decision he regretted when he got older so her name is officially Lily Florence!

And for the most recent update to my life.......I am buying a HOUSE!!!! I can not be more excited about this! My lease is not up until February so I have not quite started the search yet but I have already given my Realtor my needs/wish list and gotten approved for the loan so I am ready to go! And my Realtor is a good family friend and has worked with my parents and my brother so I know she will help me out! I am also going to have her show me every step she takes so I can get some experience under my belt for when I get my Real Estate License!

I can't believe how much my life has changed in the past few months. There have been some REALLY bad times and some REALLY good times! It has been a roller coaster of emotions to say the least. I am still trying to adjust to not having Mason's father here anymore and I have gotten a lot better but some days I just completely lose it. I just never know what will set me off. But at the end of the day I am alive and healthy, Mason is alive and healthy, my family is alive and healthy, and I have the most amazing people surrounding me and my son. No matter what I have gone through I am really a lucky lady to have what I do! I wish everyone had the friends and family that I do, without them I would be so lost.

Should I or Shouldn't I?

So several people have mentioned to me that I should Read "Heaven is for Real." For those of you have not heard of this book, it is the true story of a boys trip to Heaven and back. I would love to read this book, really I would. But I am a little hesitant on if I should or not. See, I am still pretty emotional about Mike's death. And in the Hospital on the day of Mike's accident Beth and I were talking about how we wanted to ask Mike what it was like being dead and then coming back. Mike died on scene at the accident but they brought him back to life and we could not wait to hear his stories. Did he see a light? Did all of his childhood memories flash before him? Did he see loved ones that had passed? Was there a big pearly gate? All we had to do was wait for him to wake up so we could ask him.....only problem is.....he never woke up. So I don't know if I want to read this book because I wanted to hear about Heaven from Mike.....but obviously that is not going to happen.

So here is my question...Should I read the book or Shouldn't I?

Sad Realization

So any one who knows me, even if for only a few minutes, knows that I am not a fan of Texas. I have wanted to move out of here since we moved here about 18 years ago. Every time I start the planning process something comes up. The top two contenders for me are California and Colorado. California is my number 1 choice, however I have no family there and it is SO expensive I think if I moved there that I would be setting myself up for failure. So Colorado it is. I have a few family members, my company has an office there, and the price is just about the same as it is here.

So you might say that it is Selfish of me to want to move Mason and myself away from Texas and everyone here.....And you would be right. Everything that I do is for my son. I wouldn't change it for the world but at the same time it is MY life too! I want to enjoy life and really feel like I am living out my dream. I know it sounds crazy but I feel like I am just existing here....not truly living. I want to do more things outdoors and in this great state of TX there isn't much to do. And during the summer time unless you want to have a heat stroke you need to stay indoors. I want to sit there one weekend bored and say "hey lets go hiking" and an hour later be at the mountains. So the planning begins. I found some really nice apartments with beautiful views and in my price range. I did the research on the elementary schools in the area too to make sure Mason would be starting Kindergarten somewhere good. My plan was to move next summer. With Mike dying so quickly it made me realize that I need to stop wasting my time and start living out my dreams.

Then I went with Mason to a little family BBQ at Mikes family's house over Labor Day weekend. We had an absolute blast and I love seeing how adored Mason is by everyone. But then Beth said something to me that night that made me realize I have to put my plans on hold. (I was waiting to tell them about the move until it was for sure because I was really scared of how it would hurt them.) Beth said that every time the phone rings she gets scared that something else has happened. And she then said several times "I cant handle anything else happening right now." And that is when it just kind of hit me. I need this move for myself. But Mikes family needs Mason to help them cope with the loss of Mike. I didn't lose my son....they did. And I think it will be too soon after losing their son to then lose their grandson. They wouldn't completely lose their grandson because no matter where I live they will always play a huge role in Masons life. But physically spending time with Mason would be cut drastically. I know it will also be hard on Mason but he is still too young to grasp everything and he adapts so easily to every situation thrown his way.

So the decision has been made. My plans have been put on hold for a few more years. I WILL eventually move out of TX but for right now I think it is for the best that we stay put.

Labor Day Weekend

Last weekend was Labor Day weekend and it was much needed!! So much has been going on in the past two months and it was nice to have a weekend of fun. On Friday Uncle Primo came over and played with Mason for a little bit. He is like a big kid with Mason and Mason gets excited every time he sees him.
Then Mason had soccer practice later that night. It was his second practice and Mason loves his team. He definitely has some problems focusing on the game and not the grass or a bird in the sky. And he tends to spend most of the practice hanging on the goal posts but I was able to get an action shot of him actually playing.! He is number 11 since his dads birthday was on the 11th and he thinks that is so cool! Go Stingrays!!

Saturday Mason and I met up with Aunt Wendy in Dallas and had lunch but I didn't get any pictures of that unfortunately. We went swimming afterwards and since I didn't have a floaty for Mason he refused to get in! Luckily a bee flew by and we told him the only way to be safe from the bees was to get in the water so he quickly jumped into my arms! :) Mikes cousin and aunt came in town over the weekend so they took Mason to a water park on Sunday with Beth. Then we all went over to Mark and Beth's house for dinner. It was really nice to just relax over there and see how much everyone loves Mason. Mason truly is one lucky kid!

On a side note, today is exactly ten years from the attack on 9/11, and it is two months since Mike died. Every channel seems to have a special on and it is really hard to see all this talk about death. Definitely an emotional day.

Rough Few Days

So the past few weeks things have been getting better with Mason and I. There have been a lot less break downs and Mason has been getting Green paper at school every day. But the last few days have been really emotional. It seems to come and go in waves. Wednesday night Mason was laying in bed talking to Mike. He was crying saying "Daddy, please come back down from Heaven, I dont want you up there" :( It was absolutely heartbreaking. There is not a thing that I can do to stop those tears. I cant tell him that everything is going to be just fine because truth be told I dont know if it ever will. He lost his father. Someone who meant so much to him and someone he loved so much. I am a Huge Daddy's girl and Mason wont ever get the chance to be a daddy's boy. Little boys need their fathers. Im definitely not as fun as Mike was with Mason. I have a lot more rules and am a lot stricter than Mike was. But Mike didnt have to be the strict one. He saw Mason every other weekend so he was able to be the Fun Dad and Mason misses that so much.

Then on Saturday I got another sympathy card in the mail. Dont get me wrong I appreciate these cards and it means a lot to know that people are out there praying for us. But I had not gotten one in a few weeks. So seeing that in the mail brought all those emotions back up. Nothing is suppose to happen in my life or my sons life that warrants getting a sympathy card. This was not suppose to happen to us. More importantly this was not suppose to happen to my little boy. He has done nothing wrong, nothing to deserve the loss of his father.

One day when Mason has his own kids he is going to play catch with his son and it is suppose to bring back the memories of him playing catch with his dad. Now those memories will never be. I cant stand that. The thought of him in elementary school and kids asking him what his dad does and him having to say that his dad is in heaven is such a horrible thought.

I never in a million years thought something like this could happen to us. All of this has really made me take a good look at my life and how I am living it. Dont ever take life for Granted. Live out your dreams and Live every day like it is your last because tomorrow is not guaranteed.

~ Please Help ~

Alzheimer's is something that really hits home with me. It runs in the women on my Dad's side of the family. My Dad's grandmother, great grandmother, and great aunt all passed away because of this. His mother died too young of breast cancer to know if she would have gotten it. Unfortunately, Alzheimer's has decided to show its ugly face again.

The whole thing is heartbreaking and something needs to be done to help end this. Currently, more than 5 million Americans have Alzheimer's and that number is expected to grow to as many as 16 million by 2050. Our future is at risk unless we can find a way to change the course of this disease.

On October 8th, 2011 I will be walking to end Alzheimer's. I need your support to do my part! Please make a donation to help the Alzheimer's Association advance research into prevention, treatments and a cure for Alzheimer’s. For the millions already affected by the disease, the Association offers care, education, support and resources in communities nationwide. You can donate by clicking the link below. Thank you everyone for your support!

http://walktoendalz.kintera.org/grapevine/kristenmf07

Quick Update

So much has happened these past two weeks that I really dont know where to start. Mason and I have definitely been busy little bees. He started therapy last week and has had two sessions now. I really dont know if he needs to continue with it because he is doing so much better now. I dont think it was from the therapy though because this past wednesday was the first one on one sessions he had and he was doing better even before that. He went two weeks of being SO bad like I posted before and now he is getting all greens at school! I have been signing him up for all the Field Trips so he goes on about 2-3 a week and I think that is definitely helping him to burn off some of his energy. I also am not a huge fan of Masons counselor. Within the first 20 minutes of the first session she told me that 6 months before Mason starts Kindergarten I need to get him in to see a Neurologist to get his ADHD diagnoses and get him on meds. The first session was just me and the counselor talking about what happened while Mason was in the corner playing with toys so she really didnt even interact with him. Now I have no doubt that Mason has ADHD, I have always thought this and his dad had ADHD too. But telling me after 20 minutes that I need to get my 4 year old on meds so he can calm down just doesnt really sit well with me. I talked with his daycare to see if his hyperactivity is affecting him with his school work there and they said no, he is just like every other little 4 year old boy there. The owner has ADD and so does his son and he told me to definitely wait on putting Mason on meds bc he is way too young. I completely agree with this. Now if they had told me that his hyperactivity is affecting him negatively at school then yes I would absolutely consider putting him on meds. But if its not affecting him right now then I see no reason to dope him up!
I also started school this week! One of my classes is Research Writing and I got my topic approved! My topic is.....The Pros and Cons of Meds for Kids with ADHD! So if Mason does indeed need meds down the road I can make an educated decision. I really cant tell you how excited that it makes me to know that in a few short weeks I will be a Pro on this topic! I already have had several people say they want to read my paper so when I am done with it I will post it here!

Because Life isnt Crazy Enough!

So my life right now obviously is not crazy enough right? I feel like I am being pulled in so many different directions right now! And yet I keep piling things on! I have been completely slacking with studying for my state licensing exam so that I can get my real estate license but it is time that I really start cracking down on that. And starting August 15th I am going back to school full time so it is going to be even harder to study for that exam! I also have enrolled Mason in soccer and I find out in two weeks what days his practice will be on. I am really hoping it is not on Tuesdays or Thursdays because there is a karate place right next to my apartment that I want to put him in and the classes are those days. I don't know if I have bitten off more than I can chew but it helps a lot if I stay busy. Less time to think about things!

On a side note, Mason has been doing really bad lately. At Daycare you get a color each day, green, yellow, or red. And Mason is a green color kind of kid! Of course he has his days being that he is a 4 year old hyper boy! But green is the norm around here! For the past two weeks though he has only been getting red! He has been screaming, yelling, pushing, hitting, kicking, throwing, you name it! This is so not like my little boy! I know this is normal behaviour for a kid his age going through what he is going through but this is so tough on me! I need to discipline him and make sure he knows that this is not OK but at the same time it is not his fault. He has so many feelings and emotions going on and he does not know how to channel them so he acts out. I feel so helpless and as a mother that is the worst feeling ever! So starting Monday Mason has his first "play therapy" session. This counselor specializes in preschoolers and I REALLY hope this helps! I tried so hard to hold back tears while I was making this appointment BC it hurts so bad knowing that my little boy is hurting and I cant "fix" it for him! I just wish everything was back to normal!

Assumptions

I'm hiding at my desk right now trying to stop the tears from flowing. Every time I think about Mikes accident I get so angry that I start to cry. Writing about the days in the hospital helped me to not harbor on those thoughts as much so I am hoping that writing this out will help with my anger. Before I start talking about the accident I want to make it clear that we do not know for sure what happened. This is what I believe happened from putting the pieces together....

According to the witness statement on the police report Mike was speeding. Which is not unusual for Mike, he was a very fast aggressive drive. The car in front of Mike had a trailer attached to it and Mike hit the trailer, lost control and hit the median 3 times while spinning and ended up upside down. The police report stated that the accident happened at 6:36 am. Mike got a text from his roommate at 6:35 am telling him to go straight to the job site because he had his hard hat. So what I believe happened was that he was reading this text when he hit the car in front of him. You don't just hit a car in front of you on the highway unless your eyes are not on the road. I saw photos of the car and the driver side looked fine. You can see that the car definitely rolled over on the passenger side but the car itself is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. There was some damage on the passenger side but the car was not smashed in like I expected it would be. Another witness that came to help Mike stated that Mike was on the passenger side of the car. Now if someone was wearing their seat belt they would not have ended up on the passenger side of the car. And the driver side of the car was FINE! So in this situation I believe that he was not wearing his seat belt. He did not break any bones, only had one small cut on the bottom of his chin. He hit his head just hard enough to knock him out which is what ultimately caused his death.

So from the pieces of information here and there I think Mike was reading a text and not wearing his seat belt. In my eyes, my son lost his father to that! I am so livid with the whole situation and so angry with Mike! This could have easily been prevented! I will admit that I am guilty of texting while driving but NEVER again! No text is worth someones life! And everyone knows that seat belts save lives so WHY in the world would you not wear one!!!!! I know that there is nothing that can be done to change what happened but I still have so much anger. My 4 year old son lost his father, someone who he loved with all his heart, over something so stupid as this. It absolutely breaks my heart! Now could I be 100% wrong on what happened? ABSOLUTELY! I really don't think from the facts that I have that I am wrong, but I have been wrong plenty of times before!

5 days of Hell

I keep going over those five days that Mike was in the hospital over and over and over in my head. Every night that I am trying to sleep I cant because my mind keeps going back to those days. So I am hoping that if I write it all out then I cant stop thinking about it constantly. So here it goes...

Thursday July 7, 2011
Around 10am I get a call from Beth, Mikes mom. The phone keeps breaking up and the reception is extremely bad. All I can make out is....Mike....Car Accident....Critical Condition....Parkland. I beg Beth to call me back because I cant understand what she is saying and I hang the phone up. I immediately start freaking out and call my parents to see what I do. Do I go to the hospital or Do I not? We obviously arent together anymore but this is my sons father!! So about 15 minutes later I get a call back from Wendy, Mikes sister, giving me more details. I go back to my desk and immediately call my mom to come and take me to the hospital because I couldnt drive. We got to the hospital a little after that and we meet up with Mikes family. I wasnt sure how they would take us being there but they seemed happy we came. Which was such a relief because the last thing I wanted was to upset them. Lucky for me they still consider us family and I am so thankful for that! A few hours go by and several doctors have talked to us. We were informed that Mike was unconscious and either vomited in his lungs or severly bruised them at the time of the accident, which then caused everything to fail. Mike died on the scene and they did not know how long he went without oxygen before being revived. He would have to be in the hospital for at least several weeks to get better. So we all expected that he would be fine. A child specialist came in and talked to me about bringing Mason in to see daddy in a few weeks when he was better. So a little later I was able to go back and see Mike. Unfortunately right when we got back there he started seizing. I started bawling and had to walk out. That was definitely not something that I was prepared to see. We left shortly after that because I just didnt want to see him like that anymore. I wanted to come back and see him when he was just fine!! So a few hours later I get a text from Wendy saying that they are going to have to drill a hole in Mikes head to releave the pressure from his brain. And after they did that I got another text from Wendy saying that Mike has No brain activity and there is no hope. Everything changed so quick and I lost it! I told Mason about the accident and how daddy hurt his heart, lungs, and brain and was in the hospital. He put on a fake cry because he saw that I was crying and thought that was what he was suppose to do. He obviously didnt quite get it. And that was that.

Friday July 8, 2011
I took off work because so much was going on in my head there was no way that I could go to work. I asked my friend to go to the movies with me and help take my mind off of everything. I wanted to go back up to the hospital but I figured his parents might want some time alone with Mike. So literally the second that we sat down at the theater I get a text from Wendy saying to come back up there because they are about to make the decision on letting Mike go. So as fast as we could get there I was there. I was informed that MAYBE in 6 months to 1 year Mike might be able to open his eyes but that is it and he will have to live in a nursing home the rest of his life. Now if you knew Mike you would know that he is a crazy wild happy go lucky guy and he would never want to live that way. So we are all in agreement to let Mike go. One of the hardest things was that Mike looked fine! He had not a single broken brone! And physically he looked fine! I kept telling him to WAKE UP! How can so much be wrong interanlly and externally everything is perfect? Then the donation people came in and asked if we think Mike would want to donate his organs. Crazy enough Mike just had this conversation with his best friend, Primo, a few days before and Mike definitely wanted to donate his organs. They said the process would take about 24 hours to set up so on saturday is when everything would take place. We told the doctors that if Mike wants to go before then to let him go. Then the neurologist came in and told us that he did see a tiny little bit of improvement. He still believed the outcome was going to be the same but wanted to wait until 72 hours from the accident to be 100% confident in the decision that was made. After 72 hours if the brain has not started to recover then there was no hope. Mike deserved that chance to fight. Before leaving, the child specialist came back in to talk to me under different circumstances. This time instead of talking about bringing Mason to see daddy in a few weeks I had to talk to her about explaining to Mason that his daddy was going to die. That was one of the hardest talks but Ashley was absolutely amazing and gave me some good books to read to Mason.

Saturday July 9, 2011
At 3:30am I get a call from Beth saying that the Hospital called and told them to come up bc Mikes body is shutting down. I just laid on my couch and cried, the time was finally here. Around 10am I asked Beth if Mike did indeed pass and she informed me that they put him on a bigger ventilator and is stable again. I had planned on not going to the hospital today and was just trying to pretend like none of this was happening. But for some reason it just felt SO wrong to not be there! So I did stop by for a few hours. I saw Mike every day he was in the hospital and was able to talk to him and tell him everything that I needed to say. Me and Mike definitely had our arguments and I had a lot of things that I needed to say to him, things that I would not have said to him if he could hear me. In some sick twisted way it really helped me to be able to say to him what I needed before he left, even though he didnt hear any of it. I wanted him to know that Mason will always think of him as his hero and that he sure as heck better be watching over Mason from up above and help me protect him.

Sunday July 10, 2011
My mom came with me to the hospital around 8am because the doctors would all be coming in by 10am to talk to us as it would have been the 72 hour mark. Mason drew a picture for his daddy to have before he passed. It was daddy riding a shark haha. Anyways as expected the doctors came in and told us what we expected. Truth is, Mike really died at the scene of the accident. Now all that was left was his body. So we have to wait for some tests to come in that will let us know if he can still donate. Because his body had been in such distress there was a chance that he would not be able to donate anymore. This was something Mike said he wanted just a few days prior so I was devistated thinking he may not be able to. The tests finally came back around 11am and he was cleared to donate!!! So Mark and Beth signed the paperwork and the 24 hour wait began.

Monday July 11, 2011
I went to the hospital alone today because I have found out that I like to be left alone when I am going through something like this. Mikes family was there ofcourse but I didnt want my family there with me. A priest came and prayed over Mike before they brought him down to the operating room. I didnt want to see Mike today because knowing he would be gone in an hour was just too much. In order to remain eligble to donate your organs you have to die within 60 minutes on your own after taking the machines off or they bring you back up to sit with your family until you pass. Mike passed in 8 minutes. He was so ready. They told us they gave him pain meds and he showed no sign of pain and passed peacefully. Finally. It was over. Mike was at peace in heaven and finally free of all demons that he has struggled with. It really was such a relief to know he no longer had to fight. For the rest of the day I didnt cry. Which was strange because I had been crying since I found out about the accident. But for the rest of that day I finally felt peace. I found out a few days later that a 42 year old and a 62 year old in Dallas got Mikes kidneys :) Hopefully one day Mason can meet who his daddy saved!

By the way, every single person at the Surgery ICU at Parkland was simply amazing! They made such a horrible time in our lives better. They did everything they could to help Mike, were completely up front with us, and answered any and every question we had.

A little bit of normalcy

This weekend was my first weekend without Mason since Mikes accident. While it was nice to have a little break I was a total wreck on Friday. Mason has been my little security blanket and I have held on so tight to him since the accident. He was with Nana and Pop on Friday, Mikes parents, so I knew that he was completely safe and in good hands but that wasnt the point. Not being with him definitely brought the tears out. Luckily I was able to meet a good girlfriend of mine for dinner and a movie on Friday. We saw Friends with Benefits and if you have not seen that movie you must go see it!! It is hands down my favorite movie! I have NEVER laughed so much in my life!!! And there were parts that I cried too. The dad in the movie has alzheimers and my Aunt got diagnosed last year with this so it really struck home. Most of the women on my dads side of the family have been diagnosed with this and I am so scared of having it when I am older. I think that would be one of the toughest ways to go. Anyways good movie...so go see it! The next night I went out with Wendy to pretend like all was right in the world. I found myself talking a lot about Mike though. Being surrounded by people who loved him just brought all kinds of emotions up. But we did have a good time and I am so happy I was able to get out finally!On Saturday Mason stayed at my Brother and Sister-in-laws house, Shaun and Andrea. They have two little boys, 5 and 2. Mason is absolutely in love with them and was SO excited to be able to stay the night there! So early Sunday Morning I picked him up and was able to get this cute photo...even though Baby Connor is the only one looking at the camera haha

So overall it was a really good weekend. There were definitely some highs and lows but its time to try and find a new "normal" I guess

Party of 4

Last night Mason and I went on a dinner date with Wendy and Uncle Primo. Wendy is Mikes sister and Uncle Primo was Mikes best friend and roommate. Obviously Auntie Wendy loves Mason and wants to spend as much time as possible with him. And anytime Mike had Mason for a weekend Uncle Primo was always there and they both absolutely adore eachother!! So we met in Downtown Plano for some grub! As usual we are early to get there so we decided to take some photos on my new camera! And as usual Mason is being a total Ham!Once Wendy and Primo arrived the real fun began! Primo is like a big kid himself so him and Mason can definitely get into some trouble together!
And Auntie Wendy is definitely a Florence! Mason kept playing with his Napkin putting it around his head and before you know it Wendy was doing it too without even realizing it!
These two people mean a lot to Mason! And I am really happy that Mason and I both have them in our lives!

Work Work Work

So Monday was my first day back to work since Mikes car accident. I was absolutely dreading coming back bc being gone for 6 1/2 days means I have a lot of work to catch up on! I mean A LOT! I am an adjustor so I handle on the job injury claims for employees of Lowes. I have all these contacts to make and follow ups to do on medical treatment and it piles up really fast! Well......my coworkes are Rockstars! They did all of my work for me while I was gone so when I came back it was like I had not missed a single day! You have NO idea how much I needed that!!!

I have a few good friends in my office and I told them to let people know that when I came back I was not going to want to talk about what happened. And unless I bring it up in conversation no one has said a word! It has been great! I have had actual conversations that do not revolve around sadness and it is exactly what the doctor ordered!!! I am starting to feel normal again. I do still have my moments, today is definitely a bit of a rollercoaster with my emotions but overall it has been nice being back to a routine!

This is all just a bad dream......right?

So it has been over a year since I last posted on this Blog and obviously a lot has changed and needs to be updated. This past week and half has been one of the hardest ever and I am hoping that writing about it will help me cope.

So for those who dont know, My Ex Husband, Mike, who is Mason's daddy was in a car accident on 7/7/11 on his way to work that morning. He died on the scene and they were able to revive him. He spent the next few days in the hospital and it was full of ups and downs, and a glimmer of hope, and then no hope at all. At the time of the accident he went too long without oxygen and his brain would never be able to recover from that. On the afternoon of 7/11/11 Mike went to Heaven. I will go into more detail about those days in another post, not quite ready to re-live those days. He actually had a talk with his roommate just a few days before the accident saying that he wanted to donate his organs. So they brought Mike down to the operating room and took him off the machines. You have to pass in 60 minutes on your own in order to remain elligble to donate or they bring you back up with your family so they can sit with you until you pass. Mike passed in 8 minutes. It was a relief to know that he passed so quickly and the Doctors reassured us that he was in no pain at all. A 42 year old and a 62 year old in the Dallas area received his kidneys! We hope to one day meet them so Mason can see who his daddy saved!

This has been a million times harder on me than I ever expected. We divorced 3 years ago and while we were not in love with eachother anymore, and we definitely had our arguments, he was the father of my son! And I did love him at one point in my life and even married the guy! It breaks my heart into pieces knowing that Mason will never see his daddy again. My earliest memory is from when I was 5.....Mason is only 4. I am so scared that when he gets older he wont remember even one memory with his daddy. And having to listen to Mason cry asking why his daddy had to die....its the hardest thing to listen to! Mason gets what is going on but he does not fully comprehend what Forever is, which is kind of a good thing right now. Its going to be a long road ahead of us thats for sure!

Over the past week I have grown closer to Mikes family than I ever have before. I could not imagine having to bury your own son! Or having to bury a brother that you grew up so close with! The World is just not fair sometimes!!! I know Mason will be ok though because he still has so much family that loves and adores him and so many friends of Mikes that want to continue to stay in Masons life. It was actually suppose to be Mikes weekend with Mason this weekend and thats when things started to really sink in. Mike will never get to spend another weekend with his son and vice versa. The past two days I have just started bawling out of nowhere...I mean literally, Nowhere! I have so many different emotions going on right now, I am a total wreck! The only thing getting me through this right now is knowing that we have so much love and support from family and friends. We are truly blessed in that area.

So anyways, I will be updating regularly on here about anything and everything, and hopefully it will help me get some peace with what is going on....